I am cripplingly fatigued for what seems like every second of every day. Â I have no motivation to go anywhere or do anything, and it’s gotten so bad I just want it all to end. Â I feel that life is wasted on me.
The thing that just destroys me inside is that I have the potential to lead a decent life; I know what it would take for me to get my shit together and I keep trying and psyching myself out. Â I’m reasonably intelligent and girls seem to find me attractive but I also have a crippling shyness that has completely devastated me socially. Â It’s not like a cute shyness where I’m just quiet and reserved, it’s a bipolar shyness where I go from not having anything to say to overcompensating and looking like a fucking idiot.
I have a few good friends but I’m finding it harder and harder to put on a brave face when I go out; many times I just stay in because I don’t want to dampen the mood.  It feels like social interactions take so much effort for me that it makes me tired and I just go through these cycles of wanting to improve and then giving up because I feel lost. I have suspicions that I might be bipolar; half of the time I feel a frantic urge to accomplish as many things as I can in as short an amount of time as possible, and the other half of the time I’m so depressed I can barely function.
Does anyone else with a similar problem have any insight to share? Â I know for a fact that if I can get myself off my ass and get into a good routine I’ll be able pull myself out of all this bullshit, it’s just so FUCKING hard to do it. Â It makes me so mad and then the cycle begins where I vow to make my life better and inevitably fail because I can’t make any fucking decisions about anything and then I feel worthless and I just want to kill myself.
I have to be honest though, ranting on this blog makes me feel a little better. Â I’ll probably do this again.
2 comments
dude, i know exactly what you’re going through. how old are you? im 31.
the bipolar shyness is neatly described. i suffer from it too. i also think im never good enough for them and they deserve better. but they do, im no good for anyone.
anyway, i always find a routine is good thing have. whenever im going through good phase (ineptly described) – i go gym, and do sports avoid alcohol, drugs,cut back on cigs, no tv except to watch sports. i plan every minute of my life with doing something especially in the weekends when its the most painful. i am deeply anti social and do not get on with other human beings. my bad phases are like this – i go work 8 -4.30, after work i veg out and become catatonic in front of the television. i do this till bedtime. as soon as the tv goes off my mind instantly comes comes back to the overwhelming desire of wanting to die & depression i have.
also, just keep posting on here. that helps me too.
thanks for sharing. talking about this crap definitely helps, even it is anonymously on the internet.
i’m 24. i also sit in front of the tv and zone out when i’m depressed, and sometimes i can’t even bring myself to turn it off because i don’t want to be alone with my thoughts, so i just sleep on and off throughout the night with it on and that definitely adds to the constant fatigue.
sticking to a good routine that includes a good amount of exercise is definitely a solid step in the right direction, i need to get on that.
i also think that feeling like other people deserve better than you is just a product of depression, and not the actual truth. i’ve had that problem too. i don’t know what causes people to have depressed thoughts, but i do know that they often have little to do with reality. whether or not people deserve you is up to them, and i’m sure there’s people out there that would like your company. i think its about gaining momentum in your personal life and putting the effort into boosting your self esteem by exercising and staying positive and shit.
this is all easier said than done obviously, i’ve thought about all these things and have yet to turn them into reality, so fuckin what the fuck ever, maybe just take my words with a grain of salt