As a teenager I was the last one at a dance event to be chosen and I had to dance with the last girl also still unchosen who was a fat girl wearing knee braces. I couldn’t see myself dancing with her and left the event, seeing her crying alone as I was leaving. All my life I wanted to neutralize the memory of that day, the shame that burned on my face. And today, rejected by her and threatened with reporting me for stalking her, my greatest love evoked the same burning on my face again.
I wish I did not have a position in life where a lot of people look up at me as a role model. No one knows how I feel on the inside. I would kill myself today would not it confuse and sadden a lot of people. I would take a bunch of sleeping pills and tighten a rope around my neck by twisting it around a stick.
1 comment
@Baxapa: Your post really got to me, Baxapa. Do you mind if I ask some questions without judgement? If you don’t reply, I’ll assume I shouldn’t have asked, but won’t be offended. You mentioned when you were in school you were one of two left to choose a partner to dance. You mentioned the remaining girls was “fat…wearing knee braces,” and that you couldn’t see yourself dancing with her so left the dance. Would you please help me understand human dynamics better by sharing what you were feeling when you decided to dance? To some it may be obvious, but I’m a very bad reader of other people.
I also found it intriguing that you mentioned it is your sense of responsibility to/for others that keeps you here. Do you mind me asking if you’re married or if you have children? Or is it a sense of responsibility to those you work with, or a place of volunteering that keeps you here?
I hope you find peace.