After reading this you will think what you will but I will tell you now, I am not “crazy” or on any psychotropic medication. I am well versed in psychology and, in my opinion, I have no personality defects. Keep that in mind as you read.
Now, to start off, this isnt your typical “I’m depressed and I hate my life so I want to kill myself” post for two reasons. 1.) I have never been “depressed” in my life and my life is pretty awesome at the moment. Here is a brief snapshot of my life as it currently stands:
I am young (early 20’s), good looking, fit, I have two good jobs that I enjoy working at (In the medical field and one is at the retail store called abercrombie & fitch as a “model”), I have made the Dean’s List multiple times in college, I have created good artwork (rated by people who have seen my work), I have a nice apartment by a lake (I live alone), I drive a fast sports car, I’m dating/”romantically” talking to multiple women (4 at this time), I have no quarelles with anyone, my religious beliefs are awesome (My “God” won’t care if I kill myself), I’m well versed in a wide variety of subjects (ie. theology, astronomy, geography, philosophy, medicine, anatomy, personal fiance, etc.) and I am an optimist, within reason, so I am positive I will achieve all of the goals I have set for myself, including ending my life.
To me, committing suicide in a rational, non-emotion driven way means a lot of different things. It is the destinys gift. It is the supreme expression of free will. It is the final proof of a non materialistic/selfish life. It is Prohibition A. It is the ultimate act of courage that few can manage. If done right it can be the ultimate pleasure; the rush of both happiness and sadness. Like Empedocles before his jump into the volcano.
I’ve been thinking about comitting suicide for about a year now but I had one big problem: how was I going to accomplish any of my life goals if I was dead? I have extremely high goals I need to accomplish (some of which might kill me before I can commit suicide) and executing them is a top priorty. Not only for me, but for mankind in general. These are not grand delusions but a reality and one that will unfold in due course.
I mean, obviously, dying would put a damper on my plans so I brain stormed a way out of this issue; I decided I will attempt achieve all of my goals and will commit suicide if I complete them all (suicide being the very last goal), if I become injured/an unforseen event occurs to where I cant achieve my goals or on my 63 birthday. In any event, I am going to drown myself at the north pole or antartica; the most sacred and final baptism.
I may or may not dissociate. Leaning towards it so I can literally watch my lifes grand finale.
I’ve chosen my grand exit from this life, have you? Or would you rather die old, with organs failing in a nusing facility?
Destiny’s gift: Its your choice.
12 comments
you are confusing me. have you not considered any other ultimate life goals? like say marriage? what is your family history like?
He is the very model of a modern major general haha in response to all the things you are well versed in. Congratulations sounds like you have your life mapped out but well why are you sharing this life plan? I can only assume its for input or to inspire other but hey what do I know I’m just another nobody..
@JustAnotherNobody– I do not know what a “major general” is but if its a compliment thanks. The real term used to describe what I am becoming is a Polymath.
Anyway, I am sharing this story for two completely different reasons: 1.) To inspire others to take more control over their life and hopefully make them think about the direction where their life is headed (including how they are going to die).
Consider the “Law” of Eternal Recurrance: you were to think of your death as the final scene in the movie of your life which you will watch in an eternal loop after you die, what would you want your ending to look like?
Perhaps you cant control it completely but most are afforded the opportunity to. I hate how most elderly people allow themselves to waste away when it hurts not only themselves, but all of humanity by their very existance. Imagine how many resouces, food, water, clothing, etc. Would become free if useless people died? I mean these people literally do nothing significant all day. I used to work at a nursing home so I would know.
I realize that one day, my body/brain will fail me and start degenerate. I will help everyone out, including myself, by ending things.
2.) It is a reminder to myself. I will come back here at least once a year and reread what I wrote and evaluate my progression in as far as goal accomplishment goes.
Are you thinking of suicide as well?
@cantcontrolthetides–In a way, Suicide IS my ultimate goal. It is the Omega Point (End point) of my life. It is the final culmination of my very existance on this planet after living a life only heard in myths. There are very few ways to die: accident, disease, body fails and shuts down, someone kills you or you kill yourself.
Which of these grants you the most freedom and flexibility? Which one takes the most courage, on your part, to happen? Which one can you control the most? (As far as method, time, place, etc)
Besides that, planning your suicide is the ultimate motivation. Ever heard of the saying “what would you do if you knew the exact place/time of your death”? I experiened such a thing and the answer is you live life more purposefully and are more motivated/goal directed. For who do you think is more motivated to escape from a trap; a man who thinks he had an unlimited time to escape or the man who sees an hour glass counting down until he is trapped permamently?
Suicide is the greatest death for those who can let go. I don’t mean “I’m depressed/ my life sucks I’m going to off myself” type of suicide. I mean the “I’ve lived a full life, achieved all of my goals and done everything I wanted to do. Time to end this and go on to the next part of my existance”. This is not an emotion based decision; it is a hyperrationally based one.
I think Christanity is replusive, but just think of myth of their “god” Jesus Christ. Did he not willing allow himself to be killed? He could have escaped but he allowed himself to go through with events he knew were going to lead to his death. Is that not the very definition of suicide?
Suicide/being murdered is exciting, shocking and is awesome. Think of people like Kennedy, MLK, Gandi, etc. They are held above others not only for how they lived, but by their method of death. Suicide is the rainbow road to apotheosis. It is the path least taken, the road less traveled. Why not go down the rabbit hole and see where it leads?
I will probably get married but it doesn’t matter as I will not allow it to hold me back. And my family history is interesting and would make for a good story but I will not discose it.
@azrael666- You have a very interesting perspective and I like you writing style. I too would prefer to die young than die old in a nursing home as a vegetable. Suicide isn’t as easy as it sounds though.
@tupacorbiggie– thanks but you are mistaken. This is not about “dying young”.
I plan on comitting suicide on my 63 birthday which is by no means young. Dying young is not the goal; living a valuable life and ending it by your own free will is.
Everyone must die. Either you can kill yourself or something will kill you and force you to go.
Since it is a fact you will die you can choose to let go (suicide) or be forced to leave; be it by an accident, organ failure, you get murdered, etc.
And your right, suicide is hard depending on your belief system.
Suicide is approved by my religious beliefs so I have no doubts “everything will be okay”.
@azrael666-
I think you are also mistaken.
Suicide’s difficulty is more based in natural survival instincts, self-preservation programming, and the fact that healthy human bodies tend to be quite resilient. Plus, death is often quite painful, and so your sub-conscious will try to stop you from whatever action is consciously linked to causing your own death.
Also, for most people, it’s difficult to let go of the idea of existing… even those of us who are mired in despair and see that ending existence would be the only option for cessation of suffering.
The whole religious filter is just another set of constructs that, i doubt is “the big reason why” suicide “isn’t as easy as it sounds.”
I mean sure… it’s easy to physically pull a trigger… but it’s hard for most people to get over that last hump of “wait i don’t want to do this!”
People who are still thinking of whether or not they’ll “go to hell,” haven’t even truly begun to grasp the depth of their decision.
Though i disagree with your sentiments about “old people being useless,” i can understand not wanting to feel useless, and be crippled, decrepit, and suffering.
My thoughts on that are: if you live a great life, you’ll probably end up being quite sentimentally attached to it, and will want to stick around longer than your body wants to let you remain physically useful.
But maybe you won’t get that. Maybe you’ll have your great life and then still gladly cross over, as scheduled.
@clevername– I mean’t tupacorbiggie was mistaken about what I was trying to say. About “dying young”.
I’m not mistaken about anything and I’m well aware of the bodies “fight or flight” response to suicide. But that can be overcome with dissociation or a well honed mind. An example being the tibetian monks who set themselves ablaze in protest of the government. The commit suicide by setting themselves on fire and never move while consciously experiencing that.
No, old people who dont do anything productive are useless. Clinging to a pointless existence.
Heh, mind is greater than body and can override any physical response the body can put up to negate a suicide attempt. The body is just a vehicle; the mind is the controller. Kind of like if I wanted run my car off of a bridge; I might have a negative physical reponse but it wont stop me if I’m determined to press through it.
Mind controls all. And I am confused. Your 3rd paragraph proved that what I said about the “belief” thing so what was I mistaken about?
Life cannot be lived in reverse, nor in advance. People’s minds are liable to so much errors.
@abstractthought— strong user name to post content ratio lol. Can you elaborate on what you were trying to say?
I’m not sure how one’s life can literally be “lived in reverse” or “in advance”, by the nature of time and the fact that people can only live in the present moment, so I think your right that neither of those things can happen.
But if you were trying to say planning out future actions with the goal of actualize them is a bad idea and doesn’t work then you are completely wrong. Sure, things probably wont work perfectly but thats why some human being adapt to the situation to complete their goals. I am one of those human beings.
First… Never say ‘you are completely wrong’ or you’re ‘completely right’ – No one knows the limitations of one’s mind.
Second… One cannot say I ve done and seen(achieved) everything. There will always be room for more as long as one is still alive. Even a single second of your life can make a difference-sometimes very huge, even fatal.
Misery is an experience too…
One cannot plan life in advance for too long a period of time. And suicide is part of life.
I believe you have a concept not a plan. It s like setting the alarm on your clock, and the alarm won’t go off for the clock has stopped functioning. You ‘planned’ something yet something else happened. And alas, clocks do not have minds. I agree that death is an experience, still part of life. Probably the ultimate experience…
Have your plans shifted any?