i can’t survive

i really can’t. im too far broken. now, because he is completely irrational, i will never see him again. he knows i never ever wanted to call the police on him and i told them specifically there is nothing violent going on, i just need him to leave. why couldn’t he have just let me gone to sleep?! i did not want to call the police! he knows that! there are so many things that he said that are not true, they’re just what he believes. i feel destroyed. i wish i had more benedryll so i could just sleep my life away. i have one hour to sleep now. how the hell am i supposed to put on a happy or normal face for my meeting? i know he is hurt, but i also know that a lot of what he is saying isn’t true. im devastated, i dont know what to do. i want to scream and cry crawl into a hole. he couldn’t let me sleep? he couldn’t be quiet? it really hurts that he has no idea how wrong he is. it really hurts what he says and does. i know he’s hurt and im sorry.
i have no chance at a life. im completely destroyed. he really is wrong. im sorry. i wish i could take everything back, but he’s wrong. i love him. he is my whole world, and my whole world shattered because of my mistake. i really cant live like this. sometimes i truly do want to die, it scares me, but i really do. and then the other part of me desperately wants a better life. which is why i have, want to, and will change.
i am completely devastated. i dont know what to do right now.
he has to come back for his stuff later. i dont want him to. i dont want to see him. i dont want him to think he can get the last word in. its not right and its not fair. i have to listen to him say whatever comes to mind, whatever he thinks and believes to be true, even though its not true. i am never allowed to walk away to another room so have peace anything like that. well now im sure he’ll give me all the peace in the world because hes never going to speak to me again. so that’s it? it always has to be one or the other with him. either fight to the death, or completely walk away. no happy medium. he is completely wrong and there is nothing i can do to change his mind.
im so hurt. i cant live like this.
this is insane. it is also as if im not even a human in his eyes. i have no rights, nothing.
he will go to any length to destroy my life.
i really love him. and i really believed that at some point he’d see i was worth it, and that im telling the truth and that he can trust me. theres nothing i can do to change his mind.
he’s going to destroy my life.
i love him so much and im so hurt.
i either want a better life, or want to die. i cant live like this. this is insane. my life is insane. i know i need someone to speak to, but so does he. without a doubt. many of the problems he has have zero to do with me. it’s his own head, his own problems that i didnt create, i may have made some worse, but his brain needs fixing too. ive taken steps to fix my life.
i hate waking up every day, i hate waking up to this life. no safe haven with anyone anywhere.
i really wish he understood that i love him so much and that he is wrong. he is my whole world. and now hes gone. im completely destroyed.