I wish I didn’t, I wish I could just cheer up and stop being “annoying” and “irritating” like everyone says. I just cant help this feeling I have, its like I cant see anything hopeful for myself in the future, like I’ve ruined myself through my own idiotic actions and there’s no way I can fix them. I’m 17 and a junior in high school, I’ve played no professional sports for my school, and I don’ really have any accomplishments to hold myself to or any group to say I’m part of or essential to. I don’t have my drivers license or a job, even when I know sophomores who already have both, and I know there isn’t anyone to blame but myself. People tell me I’m intelligent, but when I look to colleges that I want to get into they all want perfect 4.0s and above, when all I have is a 3.5.
I’ve wasted my life playing video games since I was a child, and I was always bullied and called a nerd, weakling, loser etc, I have no special talents or abilities like strength, endurance, speed, music, etc. I look in my year book and it seems like everybody else has something to say they belong to like a team or something, and I look for myself and the only picture is the normal portrait everyone takes, and I look bland and boring in that one too. I see other people having fun and laughing about life, making plans to hang out, and I’m just sitting by my lonesome wishing I could be as happy as they are. I do have a good number of people I guess I’d call my friends, but it seems like they are always getting more distant to me, and I don’t know what I’m doing to drive them away. I feel like everyone is moving ahead in life and I’ just lagging behind destined for failure no matter how hard I try to advance.
Some of them act like they care and try to tell me I’m fine, but I just can’t see it, and I can’t believe them no matter how hard I try, and it makes me feel even worse like I’m disregarding them. I have a girlfriend, and she tries to help but I can’t believe her either, even though I know she truly wants to help me. She says I’m the nicest guy she’s ever met and she loves me, but I just feel like she pities me in my mind. I’ve considered breaking up with her in the past simply because she refuses to leave me, because I thought that she just didn’t know what was best for her.
I’m sorry this is so long and whiny sounding but I just don’t know what else to do to get rid of this feeling in me. I hate it so much, I wish it was as simple to end as other people tell me it is, but I can’t get rid of it. I start everyday thinking on how much I suck in comparison to others, which ruins the rest of that day with brutal efficiency. Please, I’m begging for help, I’ve never wanted to grovel like this but I’m at the end of my rope… I know that if I keep feeling this way I may not be able to keep myself alive much longer. If anyone is kind, caring, or bored enough to read this, please help me. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I need your help.
8 comments
Listen to me lad.
I am you, and you are me. we have the same story accept I am much older now. There is only two ways forward from this. One is you stay on this path and you sink deeper into depression until you kill yourself.
Two, you start to help yourself. That is not going to be easy and it will take months and years. but you can get better. What we have is not the average depression, ours is brought on by solitude, both physically and mentally. Physically by playing video games and not sports, staying in doors lots. Mentally because we never express what you have expressed her to a person before.
You have to face your demons. Go to a party with your gf. Tell her how you feel, in little bits, not all at once. Build it up slowly. Start to meditate, seriously I cannot understate this one, meditation will get you thinking straight.
You have a 3.5, that is better than most people, and you can still get into a great college with that.
You need to calm down friend. The world is not against you. You can take time out to think and consider things more.
Hope this helps.
Good luck. 🙂
You got a girlfriend you can’t be a total loser I mean honestly. Why do you have to be part of a team or get a 4.0. Look real talk bro enjoy ur girl get buncha play make some friends and pick a career that won’t suck all day every day. A steady girl does not pity u. If she did shed prolly dump you like a load a trash after awhile. All of it is in your head man…lotsa peep out there who don’t have those grades or a girl and they don’t feel like fuckups. Prolly cause they know comparing themselves to other people is a waste of time. Think less n do more..makes sense?
@zim: Dude, you have my respect. I’m not going to talk down to you, telling you what you should do, or how you’re “supposed” to feel. You have your experiences and your perspectives, and they’re every bit as valid as anyone else’s in my eyes. Even if I said I had a 1.5 GPA and wish I had a 3.5 GPA, that wouldn’t mean much to YOU experiencing YOUR life. One of my university professors published a paper recently, a culmination of 30 years of research, in which he claims advice is useless–not because people are stubborn or bad or ungrateful, or because the advice is malignant or ensues from incompetence, but rather because each individual is so (virtually) infinitely complex, each person’s experiences so profoundly unique, that advice given cannot begin to encompass the individuality of experience and therefore is virtually never a good fit. So I won’t slather on with platitudes and vacuous, demeaning counsel.
Instead, let me say a few more things, please. First, I really do respect you–because you’re brave. You came here and bore your heart, divulged your innermost fears and feelings, became vulnerable–and we all know how insensitive and downright cruel people can be when hiding behind their computer screens. So kuddos to you. Second, I relate to a lot of what you’ve said. I’m 18, about to finish my freshman year in college, and feel profoundly lost. My parents are both physicians and my dad is an internationally leading research psychiatrist and cognitive scientist. I’ve been in the best therapies modern medicine offers–including short duration high intensity bilateral ECT–all wasted. I still feel the way I always have. So I get it. Some problems, I’m not saying yours, are just unsolvable. I read a research paper by a Yale prof who believes that the fallacy we have today that every problem can be fixed does us much disservice. I agree wholeheartedly.
But I would like to say I’m also envious of you. I’m jealous because it seems like someone cares about you. Other than my mom and dad, I’ve never been able to keep a anyone’s attention. I’ve been physically and emotionally abused–including just a few months ago when a guy at school stole over $2400 from me for drugs, even though I didn’t know that at the time. This isn’t meant to be a pity-party, I just mean to say I hope you realize that to some of us–and I think quite a few, you look pretty good. I know that doesn’t mean YOU experience your life as worthwhile, though. I just had to tell you because I want to be “complete.”
Anyhow, I don’t know how to comfort you. Most important, I want you to know (1) you’re not alone in hurting, in feeling irreparably broken. I feel that too, though your experiences are uniquely yours and immeasurably valid. (2) I admire you for being so brave to come here and share what you have, braving others’ potentially hurtful comments back. (3) I wish I had some of the things you do–especially someone who’d just love me. I feel like I’ll die only having known my mom & dad’s love, and certainly never a boy’s. I see people experiencing what I read (literature, the {other} arts, religious/metaphysical writings, developmental psychology, sociobiology, anthropology, medicine) is not only natural and desirable, but immensely healthful–touch, intimacy, expressions of love, and feel like sh*t that I never have. And I’m smart enough to know that someone like me–a social outcast–never will. I would give anything to experience those before I leave. But that is only a dream.
I hope very soon something magical happens for you. I’m terribly distressed that you hurt so much–that ANYONE could hurt so much. We’re billions on this planet and it seems like we just don’t give a fcuk about each other unless you’re rich-beautiful Paris Hilton or superpowerful/influential Peyton Manning. How can there be so many of us while so many of us feel so neglected, so abandoned?
Please, feel my appreciation for and admiration of you.
Peace, brother.
Hey bro, first of all, you are not a loser. You got a girl, you got some friends and you are doing well i school. If you are not happy with yourself, there are two options: stay as you are and be miserable for a long time, or you try to change yourself. You are at a perfect age to change things, and i wish someone could tell me that when i was your age.
You have to find out who you are and find yourself, find your purpose in this world. If you feel physically weak, then try doing sport, working out, lifting weights, eating healthy. I’am sure, you heard that before. And its not short nor easy process, but believe me, its so worth the afford! People gonna start looking up to you, respecting you more. You gonna start liking yourself more. After every workout you get a nice endorphin and testosterone kick, which makes you feel really good. Search online how to, there is tons of information about it, working out and eating health comes hand in hand. If you don’t want to go to the gym, just buy some weights and dumbbells and work out at home, just before your video game session.
@iowagirl-
Funny, i give zero fucks about neither paris hilton nor peyton manning.
How can there be so many of us?
Well… because the most motivated people breed the most… which creates a positive feedback loop of motivated people breeding and being motivated.
They certainly don’t care about the rest of us, nor do they care what we think about how the world needs to change. They’re still going to keep breeding and using procreation as their motivation to procreate.
They are not obligated to care about anyone else; neither are you nor i.
But i agree with the sentiment here about “you must not be that much of a loser, if you have a girlfriend.”
Real losers don’t get called losers; we get ignored… because it’s easy for anyone to quickly assume, based on first impressions, that we are “a losing bet.” It’s not that we “lose things,” but that we are likely not to become successful and happy… and are therefore seen as unlikely to be able to have anything valuable to offer to a mate (which is a whole other psycho-construct in itself…).
@clevername: You know, I don’t care about our cultures’ celebrities, either–and I know there are a lot of other people out there who share our outlook. I meant that as a metaphor–the generally people are attracted to, as you’ve stated, the “successful people.” Evolutionarily, that it is so makes sense. But whether it is productive or not, our minds still ask why things cannot be different.
I respect the original poster’s absolute prerogative to decide what his life means. But, as you’ve said, I do sense that losers are absolutely forlorn. No one cares about them, other than parents who’ve invested so much in producing them–and possibly (in the utilitarian sense) the State which might benefit from the work of individuals (taxes, manpower…). But I do feel what you appear to, that there’s discord between the concept of being a loser and having someone else who loves you despite your life difficulties.
I’d like to think more about, and chat more if you’re open to it, your idea about the most motivated people breeding most & perpetuating the cycle. That Darwinian argument is worth a serious talk. I’m down for that… I’d also like to know more about how you came to understand where you fit on the winner-loser scale, and how you deal with this.
Thanks for reaching out. I hope you’ll share more.
It all depends on how you define the word loser. So in the game of life what’s the objective that you reach to be a winner? Some people will say fame, fortune, power…I think its just happiness. The biggest losers I think are the people who seemingly have it all but are incredible unhappy. Last year I lost my job, my truck, and my housing all in 24 hours. I was truly homeless for the first time in my life at 21. The first night I gave some foreign nationals directions cuz they were drunk looking for this one place for 2 hours haha. Next thing I know I’m at the hostel with them wearing this guys fine ass clothin plannin on goin to the club. It was a solid 2 weeks being “homeless” and this girl I had recently met let me stay at her place a bit and that was the first time I ever felt love for anyone everrrr. So all in all I bet from most of society’s standards I was a loser but ya know what there were moments were I felt like king a the fuckin world. It was the happiest I’ve ever been in my whole damn life and yes I was a homeless bum. Haha!
Like so many other things, “loser” gets thrown around more as a means of demeaning, than an accurate designation. Calling someone a “loser” implies the perception that the person is somehow manifesting their own devaluation… as if that person is simply choosing to be a lesser person, but it’s also a paradox in that it seems as though people who use that term, tend to use it against people they think can’t change or improve enough to not be “a loser.”
I, however, tend to see the hidden motivation behind that term, and how it relates to betting and bets. A “winner” is a “safe bet.” Safe bets are almost never big payouts. A “loser” is a safe loss, or a bet that is almost guaranteed to fail. Neither of those are “good” in gambling. You have to take big risks to reap big rewards.
I just think way too many people sling words around without actually understanding what they are saying, and why. Most people are just a bunch of blathering lemmings, hell-bent on following the herd, even if to their own doom.
@IowaGirl-
I’m not sure if you can see my email in the admin panel, but while i would welcome intelligent conversation, i often feel as though i lack the energy and motivation to discuss such complex things. You’re way younger than i, so maybe you can gain something from my years of experience, that would have done me much more good, had i known, at your age, all i know now.
I actually wouldn’t mind anyone contacting me via email, with legitimate communications, or even just friendly banter… but this site doesn’t facilitate external interaction very well, without exposing email addresses for spambots to latch onto, so i’m not sure how i feel about opening myself up to that kind of nonsense. Meanwhile, there is a forum with a similar theme and name, of which i am a member, in which my ‘handle’ is the same as here. Not fishing for members for that site, but i can be found/contacted there as well, as that place is at least equipped to facilitate private messaging. So, find me there, or maybe i’ll pick some times to cryptically announce that i’ve switched on my email display for anyone who wants it (or maybe it’s already displayed… i haven’t checked in a while).