I feel there needs to be a place where i have explained my action

I have been going over and over my life to this point. I have been given every opportunity as a child. I had been bullied by my peers till grade 10, then i was shipped off to military school to be bullied by my elders. I went off to college even though school was so hard for me i graduated by sheer luck or parents influence. Going to college with my peers i still didnt fit the mold. I was never the popular guy based on personality or how i treated others. I got friends through my jobs doing security. I began to work in a bar and things took a turn. I began to shun my parents help as they suffered so much for my happiness and i never showed them anything but the fuck up everyone tells me i am. I did terrible things. Things i can never tell anyone about and things that have made me push away everyone whoever cared about me. I am now older and unuseable. I cant forgive myself for my wrongs and i cant believe anyone truly believes i am going to be better or am better. I wish to only leave the knowledge that the answer to your question of “Why?”………………. Because its the end, its over, there is nothing more