I seriously found this site because I was searching “I’m worthless” I have felt worthless for months now. My depression and anxiety have been around ever since my mother died over 2 years ago. Her death did something to me and I honestly feel like I will never be the same. I watched my mother die in hospice care, and will never ever get the image of her last breaths out of my head. I told her it was okay to let go, but truth is I was not ready. I just wanted her to not feel anymore pain. Now I’m here feeling do much pain that I no longer want to feel. I hate my boss, and my job…I just don’t care anymore. A have been formally diagnosed with ADD, OCD, and generalized anxiety disorder, and have to deal with these curses each and everyday. I have several bad days a week where I just want to end it all. I have a son, and I have even started looking up information for kids who’s mother commits suicide. Nothing I have read has made me believe my son will be okay if I left this world. So, I’m stuck here each and every day to suffer more and more.
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Your story is almost identical to mine. I watched both of my parents die within one year of each other. I have no idea what I will do. I do not want my son to not have a father, but I do not want to raise him to be like me. I have a wife but her support is now non existent. I can’t say I blame her, I have been depressed most of our marriage. Medicine and therapy have not helped. I cannot keep a job and at this point my life insurance is more valuable to my family than I am. Don’t know why I felt the need to post, but your problems resonated with me. Take care.
Are you taking medication for all those diagnoses and/or are you drinking alcohol? A lot of people are over medicated today. Maybe you should get a second look by another doctor?
Grief goes differently for everyone. My younger brother stayed in his room playing xbox for 3 years after his friend died suddenly. Of course you are sad, anxious and miss your mom. Death sucks and no one knows how to deal with it. Exercise can help with anxiety. Eating healthy can help too. Small steps add up to making big strides. I think you are brave for posting and doing the right thing by seeking others who feel similar to you. We can help each other.
Also I have to say that if anything kept me going in my life, it was my kids. I knew I couldn’t hurt them even though I was always hurting. I did like “saywhatyouwant” says, I got up, exercised and tried my darndest to stay active. If anything on this earth keeps you strong it should be your kids. Look at them and fight it.
Please keep your chin up
Mkborris, I’m very sorry about your parents. And, I’m truly sorry you feel the same way I do…I would not wish this feeling on my worst enemy. I’m so tired of waking up everyday to find that the stress is still there. You are not alone. Leeeza is right though, our children are keeping us here. We do have some strength in our lives because of those precious kids. Thank you Leeeza. It’s good for me to talk to others who are not directly involved. My husband is great, but I’m tired of bothering him with my negativity. I am very active…I do CrossFit 5 days a week and am also training for 2 figure competitions in the fall. The gym is my safe haven…I do not have one negative thought when I’m there. I’m the old, “me” when I’m there. I have been seeing the same dr for 2 years now and was diagnosed with all by him and another dr I saw previously. He also mentioned that I may be bi-polar…still being evaluated for that. Anyway, thank you for responding. I really am glad I found this site.
Obp, thank you for the kind comments. My child has been the only thing keeping me here but I’m afraid it isn’t enough. After almost 40 years I am tired. I truly hope that things get better for you. God bless.