I just dont know……

This is the second time i have posted something on here, My first time was all about me and my situation and I was feeling really down at the time but when I came back to see the comments I was happy again and didnt think I would need to write here again. But my axiety towards life is getting worse and worse. Iam afraid of what I will do, as my emotion go from one extreme to another when Iam happy Iam exstatic but when Iam sad it is something unbareable. My emotions play alot around my situation with my boyfreind when Im with him Im happy but when it goes back to not seeing him I play everything over and over in my head I just dont want to be here anymore I dont want to continue being the constant dissapointmnet to my parents,family,freinds and to myself anymore. It is a daily fight to hold back the tears I have showers just so my family dont see me cry. I try my best to pretend everything is ok I know none of my freinds or family know what Im feeling as I never show my down side to many people. i put on such a front so no one will see how much im hurting even if someone asks are you ok?whats wrong? I say im fine nothings wrong 🙂 even tho all i want is to burst out crying break down infront of them and tell them all the things i feel and the bad things i think of doing and how i physcially hurt myself to try and ease the inner pain. Even tho Im the one to say everythings ok after that I keep hoping someone will realise but at the same time i dont want anyone to know. My head is in termoil i really dont know anymore……..i feel like going to sleep and not waking up I take sleeping pills so I go asleep fast and im not left to think about my hurt. im sorry for any spelling/grammer mistakes im not very smart, sorry if this doesnt make sense i just need to write some of my feeling out. Thanks for any commends in advance if I dont get a chance to reply.