Why can’t I just be left alone?
I meet with the school counselor once a week. I’m supposed to be recovering from an eating disorder, but right now it’s more like relapsing. I went down yesterday and my counselor was really concerned with some of the things I shared, but I promised to work on them. Today I got called down again and when I walked in I could tell something was wrong. Usually we joke around and laugh about things, but she looked so sad. The more she talked the more I realized she was about to have to call my parents. “It’s the law, I know you are going to hate me, I care so much about you…†She even started crying at one point. She told me she felt sick all morning because she knew she was going to have to tell me this. I just silently sat there with my arms crossed, staring at the ground.
I have until Tuesday, I have to check in with her every school day before that.
I graduate in 2 weeks. My parents have been notified multiple times before by the school regarding my condition, all last year, they only got angry because they are in denial. This year was supposed to be different, I was supposed to be better. I don’t know how to explain that I would rather die than hurt my parents again. I don’t mean to hurt people, I never do, but that’s always how it turns out. I want to die. I am scared that if I kill myself my counselor will go to jail for not telling sooner and even though I’d be dead I can’t stand the thought of that. If I kill myself my sister won’t have anyone to babysit her newborn this summer. If I kill myself my friend will no longer have a roommate for college next year. If I kill myself my younger sisters will no longer have someone to look up to and tell them they are loved. If I kill myself I’m being selfish.
I feel so alone. If I was making a choice solely based on myself, it would be to kill myself. I have to think of others though. If anyone has any advice or kind words, I could honestly use it.
1 comment
It sounds like you have a lot to live for but I could understand if you felt like it was for others and not yourself. Like, it’s do for others and make them happy and ingnore your own pain. Like, why can’t someone do things for you instead? That’s how I feel sometimes, anyway.
I don’t know anything about eating disorders but can you and are you willing to see a professional who is trained / specializes in helping with that? Since you’re about to graduate, what are your plans after that?
I guess the main thing is that you do something to help yourself. Do it in spite of everyone else. If they don’t understand or don’t like it you should do it anyway – for yourself – because no one will or can do it for you. It’s your life and it’s totally about you, no one else. You’re the one who is hurting and suffering even if they make out like you shouldn’t be.
You’re young but one thing you’ll learn in life is that you can’t please everyone all the time and you always walk alone – even when you’re with people.