just want some one to say its ok

so here we go again i really just want some one to talk to this girl she was my besst friend i told her every thing she could make me feel better no matter what and i dated her sister huge mistake nothing against her just i ruined what i had with the girl that i was best friends and we fixed what happen and now were friends i guess but not like befor we dont even talk and she just ignors me alot like some times we would talk and other times she would blow me off it seems like we havent talked since she went to her sisterss again im not sure why im saying this i just want some one to talk to ive kept every thing inside for a few months now and i dont want to leave my room i dont want to look another person in the eyes cause if they were to ask me if i was ok i would just break down right there but to be honest that would be nice knowing that some one cares again that i can trust. the friends i have now are well meaner then the guys that are soupose to hate me my friends say im an ass hole always and im a dick and diss me about things that they know kill me and know that bothers. i just think that well killing my self would such a good answer knowing that i dont have to have that feeling of deppresion just hit me sooon as my eyes open and know im alone once again and waking up driping in sweat from these dreams of parents being killed my being tortured people wispering the faces also i stress so much about the future about passing school socially being excatble like who am i going to be in 4 years prob still in school then ill join the military but every one questions me and i have no confidnce any more no motivation to get up in the morning noreason to keep fighting it seems like i think im just really staying for my parents and my brother but im starting to not care about that any more honestly i think if no one notices how fucked in the head i am right now how badly i just need some one to say im there for you i dont know if i can keep pusing threw . sorry its so big just let my thoughts come out