I am so tired of feeling alone. Â Days like this just makes me wonder why am I here. Â I don’t understand what my point in life is suppose to be right now. Â My friends say that my prince charmin will come when I least expect it but I am so tired of waiting. Â I am not just lonely because I am single I feel like I can’t talk with anyone. Â All my friends are so busy with their life that if I bring up how I feel I don’t think anyone would care. Â My parents never ask me how I am doing or my brother. Â I know they are hurting also but they didn’t go through what I did.
My sister killed herself a year ago and I found her. Â I had to cut the cord, give her cpr until the ambulance arrived and watch the doctors try and save her for 5 days when there was no hope. Â All I think about is walking in the garage and seeing her hang there. Â I want the image out of my head but I know it will be there forever. Â I wish someone understood how I felt but the reality is no one does. Â When I am with people all I wanna do is scream but what for? Â I doubt I will ever figure out what my place in this world is suppose to be so why try.
7 comments
My younger sister lost her best friend about a year ago, to hanging. She wasn’t “my” friend, but i saw her come and go, and hung out with them a few times, over the course of several years. I never would have predicted it. She was too young to be a romantic interest of mine, but… she was beautiful and intelligent, and i’m sure i’m not the only one who wishes i had a chance to help her, somehow, some way, before she chose her time. The person she reached out to, who could have helped her in her final moments (or helped avoid them being final), must have thought she was bluffing… or just didn’t care. I don’t ever want to know how it feels to live with that.
So it wasn’t my own sister, and neither of us were first on the scene… but i know how it feels to miss someone who decided to be gone forever, and not have any way to do anything about it. It’s debilitating.
It’s not exactly the same, but some people know a very similar feeling to how you must feel. Perhaps it’s ironic, though, that those are likely the same people who i think would be most familiar with the reluctance to think about such painful things.
All i can suggest is to try to make peace with this. You did all you could do. Hurting as much and as honestly as you can, won’t change it.
Thank you for your words. I am trying to get through this but I don’t know how. I tried therapy and I didn’t like it. I joined a suicide prevention organization and that helped a little. Being on this site has helped the most because I feel no shame to share my story and thoughts with others. I know I will miss her everyday but I don’t want to accept the fact that she won’t walk in the door one day. I know one day I will have to accept it or moe forward with it, but the one question that eats at me is why did I find her? It was the 3rd time she had attempted it and all 3 times I was the one who found her. It is an answer I know that I will never get but I don’t know if I can handle not knowing. I try and stay busy right now because its the only thing keeping me safe right now.
Those that are left behind
The pain behind a suicide
Cancer that feeds on the soul.
We are all so connected and at the same time alone.
It has been 20 years and still my family cannot talk about it.
Every visit a pretence, a struggle not to fall.
There are no words
“How are you?†tinged with fear…
What could be done if the answer is not well?
Who is brave enough to ask?
Undeserved Guilt for not seeing, the eyes remain closed.
At some point along the way the way out of the past, the quest is always done alone.
When the Knights of the Round Table leave for the quest each enters the dark forest alone and where not path yet exists.
This is a truth for all quests.
Why did I find her?
A question that cannot be answered, a secret hope that the past might yet be changed?
This is the mud of regret and ‘if only’ disguised as hope.
The past cannot be changed.
The rule of charity states that when a question cannot be asked or answered we are free to choose the kindest answer that helps us most.
If we do not know and cannot know the rule is to choose the best answer.
Perhaps even thought you struggle, only you have the will to find your way out of the pain and in doing so shine a light so that others may follow….
When called on a quest
“Shall I say it again?
In order to arrive there,
To arrive where you are, to get from where you are not,
You must go by a way wherein there is no ecstasy.
In order to arrive at what you do not know
You must go by a way which is the way of ignorance.
In order to possess what you do not possess
You must go by the way of dispossession.
In order to arrive at what you are not
You must go through the way in which you are not.
And what you do not know is the only thing you know
And what you own is what you do not own
And where you are is where you are not.â€
T.S Eliot
Heya,
I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through, it sounds horrific and no person should ever have to experience that.
It’s not the same thing – at all – but I found a friend who had hung herself. I walked into the room with a nurse (in a psychiatric hospital) and she was just there. I ran out and collapsed crying outside the door, and listened to them do CPR and see all the nurses rush in. Then the panic alarm started. She was resuscitated briefly but lapsed into a coma and died 3 days later. This was two and a half years ago.
To this day I still see it all, still hear it all, and still hurt over it. It’s nothing compared to the loss of a sister, but it is still a traumatising thing to see for anyone. Although you will always think about her, there will be a time when that doesn’t hurt quite as much as it does now.
You have remarkable strength to keep on going this long, even though it’s such a struggle. Have you ever tried joining a group for people who have lost someone to suicide? It might be useful to find people who sort of understand what you’re going through. If you’re in the UK – http://www.uk-sobs.org.uk/.
Suicide is a difficult topic. I am sorry you have these images in your mind.
Suicidegrief.com is a web site I have found helpful. These people will listen to your story and help you through your pain. Despite the “.com” portion of their site, this group is free and full of others who have experiences similar to your own. There is even a sibling thread. Even if you don’t want to join, you can read. No harm in that, right? Many of them have found their loved ones as you found yours. They can tell you how they have overcome that pain.
To anyone actively suicidal: the site is great to visit, but please don’t post your actively suicidal thoughts there. Especially the newer posters to that board can become deeply distressed trying to save suicidal people while recovering from the loss of someone they loved to suicide.
Keep fighting. Your sister’s story is not yours. Your story is unique and chosen by you alone. You can choose to live.