My story, I’m new here.

First of all, I’m from the Netherlands. I’m 21 and my asperger + OCD is a majure struggle and a fight for me every day. To be honest I think I’m a real big survivor for dealing with it for so long now. I feel like I’m all tight up in knots and I can’t unwrap them anymore and there only come more and more knots during the time I’m still here. Just when I think I just can’t take it anymore and it seems unbearable, I still survive, feel like I can do it again but then the even bigger hard moments comes across and I can’t get them out of my head and just keep exploding. I even find it hard to talk about it here because I’m not sure what people will respond but I’m desperate and was googling stuff and here I ended. That my OCD makes me do things over and over makes me damage my skin on my face too because of the need to squeeze (sorry I know it’s gross). I can do it for hours and I have more OCD problems every day and I’m just so tyred of all this hell. Tried so many things, like stupid meds that had very bad side effects and didn’t really help, praying (I don’t know if I believe anymore though), therapie. Therapie makes it only worse. I really want to die every day and I’m screeming it to myself so many moments. I tried to hang myself after taking an overdose but the build I used broke just when I jumped to hang and I was taken to hospital and then a psychiatry, then I was released within a week. Now I’m pretty much doing selfdestructing things. I just hope I could have a human way to end all of this terrible hell I’m in throughout my life now. Because of all this I have very few friends and I make it hard for them too. They only stay cause there terrible mindill as well but that’s difficult too. The only thing that bring a little sparkle to me is music. I love Cocteau Twins for example, write songs, play guitar  and sing. That’s allmost all of it.