I’m not going to say I want to die. I’m not going to say I’m sad or depressed. I don’t really need to. I mean who wants to die, who would want to kill themselves. I’d like to say that person isn’t me. It hasn’t been me for 11 years. I wasn’t that child laying on the floor at 12 years of age, her sister begging her to live. I don’t want to be that person who moments before writing cried because the chord around her throat wasn’t tight enough. It didn’t stop the air flow, it didn’t stop the tears. I don’t want to be this 23 year old woman who only holds on for her future nephew. I should be able to live because of myself, not for others. I shouldn’t be so miserable, and be so self loathing. I shouldn’t have to say it, and I shouldn’t have to feel this way. But I do.
I’m sorry, I’ve never actually tried finding help, or writing my feelings, I’m obviously not very good at it. I just kinda needed to get it out there. “Clear my head so to speak.” I’m sorry if anyone reads this and doesn’t find it….well helpful or entertaining. Â But to me, it’s just kinda coming out. The tears have stopped only because I can’t see my screen. I’m sorry if you are hurting. I’m really sorry.
3 comments
That post seemed to be a necessary release of frustration. Good stuff! No need to apologise, but I understand. Sometimes we think speaking out will burden or upset others.
Hi there,
I really enjoyed what you said….you write very eloquently and sound like some fantastic poet. Have you ever heard that the people in this world that are the most depressed are that way because they are able to feel things more genuinely than most people? I really think you would be an awesome friend, brother or sister, or spouse to anyone in your life. Try this…start a vegan diet and cut out wheat and sugar (except fruit) and join a Yoga studio. I think that if you did this, your life is going to vastly improve. Take a picture of yourself the day you start and then a picture 1 month from now. You won’t believe the difference. Take care my dear….everything is going to work out…..how do I know this? I have had BPD my entire life and if you know about it you know that it is a nightmare that has no cure. My sister who was 27 died of cancer a few years ago, my parents don’t care much about me because of their grief over my sister, I’m 70000 in debt from school with a worthless degree, and the woman of my dreams wants nothing to do with me. If I have hope, so can you:)
Talking about how you are feeling is the first step. It sounds like you have been dealing with depression and suicidal thoughts for a very long time now, since you were a child. Did you suffer emotional, physical or sexual abuse as a child that could be causing you to feel suicidal? I think you should talk to a mental health therapist. You need help dealing with how you are feeling. There is nothing wrong with asking for help.