I’m done. I can’t continue this way of planning my death and then being unable to follow through with it. Now my plan is to just wait until I have an opportunity to kill myself. That’s what I mean by “passively suicidal” – I want to die but I’m not acting upon it, I’m just waiting. But, I’m a pessimist so I know that I probably won’t end up killing myself. I just hope that if I find myself at the top of a building, I’ll have the courage to throw myself over the ledge.
I was actively suicidal not too long ago. I still remember sitting there on my bed, alone, in the middle of the night, holding the knife up to my chest, pointing it at my heart. And I cried as I got up and returned the knife the kitchen and went back to sleep. And when I woke up in the morning to go to school, I knew I was a failure.
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I’m right there with you my friend. I feel like I can’t commit to doing anything. Including suicide. I feel it’d be the best decision for me but I can’t bring myself to use my energy to go get a gun. If I had a gun in front of me right now though it’d probably be different.
I’d find the energy to get a gun if it were possible for me to get one.
Never put off tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. I based my life on that rule and look what happened.
Well if I didn’t have a previous stay in the psych ward for for a suicide attempt then I could fairly easily get a gun. But now it’s near impossible to get a gun.
I’m sorry you’re stuck in the in-between.
I was thinking about my plan earlier. I was driving in my car, on my way to dissolve myself in my “addiction”…and the sun was shining the the birds were out chirping. The day was beautiful. I started crying, begging for those I may leave behind to please forgive me. It was a moment of doubt, a moment that I thought that maybe I don’t want to do this. But I know that I cannot live this life. I wish I could hire a hitman to kill me. I’ve fantasized about this. I’d ask them to ensure my death because i’m worry I’ll chicken out. I’ll write this hitman in my will (and disguise it as a friend), so they’d have to complete the act. I know I’m starting to be crazy (well, I guess I’m technically “starting”), but I need death to come but I’m afraid I won’t carry it out properly when the time comes.
I wish I could just post a job posting on craigslist.
I’m sorry you feel trapped. I’m sending you warm thoughts…I hope things get better for you.
Don’t worry you’re not crazy – I’ve had the exact same thought of hiring someone to kill me. Unless we’re both crazy…
Now that I think about it the latter makes more sense. I’m definitely crazy.