Quiet desperation

I am trying by myself to figure out what is wrong with me why I feel so sad and have such dark thoughts about death and just..why? I want to talk to someone about me and why am I so twisted? What did I do to deserve these feelings that are slowly killing me inside. The words that are not being said. The tears that are being stifled for fear of being found out that yes I am depressed and need help. I want help but at the same time I don’t want to be a burden. I hate my body. I hate how ugly I am. I’m so fat and my face is so swollen. My own family calls me fat to my face and they don’t know how much I really hate myself. How it hurts to hear them say that. I am a Christian and love The Lord but I’m so confused as to why The Lord is allowing for this self destruction to happen in me. I want peace from everything to stop the world my life from running by me. I want to make time stop and just understand what is happening. I like this guy named Travis but he’s way too good looking for me. I hate my life right now. I just sit around watching movies hoping to get some motivation to pull through. I just wanna quit everything. I just want to sleep and never ever wake up….