Ready to die. That’s what I’ve been for a really long time.
I call myself ready to die. I’ve always wanted to die. Since I was 7 years old. I just don’t understand. I have a good life, considering. I am a straight-A student. My parents are not abusive; I have never been bullied nor hurt; so what makes me suicidal? Death has always been a goal of mine. Online, I’ve searched for poisons like hydrogen cyanide. I’ve always had a fascination with blood, too. My dreams are filed with gory images of me slicing people open while they scream. I’m obviously messed-up. I feel that if I don’t die, I’ll cause others to die. But I hide my depression, and I hide it well. Isn’t it ironic that the only person you can really hurt is yourself? My pain never transfers. I spent weeks once, just a few months ago, planning my funeral, writing a will. Then I took a knife and pointed it towards my brain at midnight, ready to die. But I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t even cut myself with a razor because I’m terrified of pain. Instead, I let myself accidentally cut myself, then I widen the cut. I love the sight of my own blood. But I cannot make it appear.
I’m weak, that’s what I am. Soon enough I will die. I just don’t have the courage to do anything. I want to die. I have to die. But I can’t.
The longer I wait, the harder it is. If I pass my thirteenth birthday (which I will in just three weeks) then I know it will just grow harder as I make deeper attachments. So the sooner I die, the better. May I have courage.
4 comments
You’re 12 years old? Just tell someone you have suicidal thoughts, there’s no use giving up so early. You still have plenty of time to sort things out but you can’t do it on your own. Just don’t hurt anyone else
Most of what you said is actually me: good life, (mostly) good grades, no real issues, being messed up in the head, weak and cowardly. The main difference though is that the pain does transfer. I hurt myself the most but I hurt a lot of others too – I’ve got a lot of regrets.
I’ve written multiple suicide notes which I’ve shredded. I also almost stabbed myself with a knife (you can check out my last post about that).
It’s amazing how many similarities we have.
I don’t know about you but the best way to die or commit suicide is With potassium cyanide 1 gram And you be dead in 20 seconds Just like that That’s the way I’m going out No more pain no more suffering If anybody needs something let me know I got 2 g left email me at djchuckv@yahoo.com
I sorry I wrote that I didn’t mean anything by it I hope nobody got offended I’m truly sorry I Don’t have any of that stuff I’m truly Sorry I said that I guess when you’re depressed and in pain you say anything . Ps due not Commit suicide it’s wrong Think before you act