ready to go

I feel it

Im ready to die

I’m incredibly tired of sadness and pain and disappointment

I have never known my father

My step father died of cancer

months later my mother got colon cancer

she eventually got better, but her kidneys were damaged

she had a kidney transplant which was unsucessful

and so she lives attached to a machine

how can God be kind

when a women who loves him has suffered so much

how can I believe he is kind

it is not enough to be alive

it is not

i would rather go

but i worry it will kill my mother

and my sisters will be alone

and it makes god even more unkind

because he is unkind

yet makes it hard for me to leave this misery

because i worry about my family

and so i keep thinking of overdosing

and sleeping forever