To Die or Not To Die

I really feel like mentally I can’t handle any of this anymore. I try to remind myself of my friends but it seems useless, I just want all the pain to go away. Sometimes I feel like I can get better, I’m 11 days clean and I’m eating more now but it isn’t helping, I still have a strong urge to die and I hate it, I hate myself for wanting to die, but nothing is making this feeling go away and I think I’ve fallen too deep into this hole. If you guys want to know my story it started when I was little. My parents would hit me and eventually I told a teacher. After that I wasn’t taken from their care and they stopped but they would call me named and I would believe them, I became so insecure and shy, I’d be isolated from everyone else, no friends, no one to talk to, these guys would pick on me and it didn’t help. My parents stopped caring about me, I’d spend everyday in my room alone and they barely spoke to me unless it was to say I needed to do better in school and get straight A’s. All my “friends” betrayed me and I never trusted anyone. I became depressed, then came cutting… and anorexia… I was suicidal and I could barely sleep. Now I’m screwed up and I can’t fix anything. That’s only a brief summary with no details and other events that have happened.