want to talk to someone on the other side

i’ve thought along those lines sometimes… everything sucks so bad, why not try to die just to test the theory of this supposed “other side?” You’ll either get your answer, or you won’t.

I honestly can’t believe that, if, there really is a “god,” that he would be upset with his own inferior creations, who are unable to understand his divine reasonings, ending their own lives. Why would a perfect being blame a lesser creature for not understanding something more complex than they could grasp? Especially if this god supposedly created us to be the way we are.

It doesn’t make any sense. If he made us what we are, how can he punish us for being the ways he made us? Why would he blame us for failing in exactly the ways we’re designed to fail?

If anything, to argue that god exists, means that god is satisfied by any outcome we manifest… since it’s actually all “part of his divine and incomprehensible plan.”

OTOH, if humans are able to understand enough logic to defeat the notion of the existence of such a being… then we have to accept the responsibility that comes with that elevated power of understanding, and accept that this world was made by natural chaos, and not any “god.”

Perhaps the singularity which erupted in the big bang at the beginning of the universe, was simply a particle of god… in which case, sure, he “knows” his own particles exist, and is in control of his body… but he’s probably not even aware of us, let alone creating any of this intentionally, or having any control… or even able to intervene, even if he did know we were here and needing help from “above” or “beyond.”

It’s all very fantastical.

Again, OTOH, i do often wonder… what is the origin of individual consciousness? Why am i self-aware? How did i become a mind/body organic machine, able to choose its own actions, and contemplate complex ideas, and consider so many of the various aspects of my environment?

What am i?
What are you?
What are we?
What is all this?

Is any of this even real?

Perhaps there is a “god,” and it is some… sort of… supernatural “life force,” which manifests individually, separately, in each living thing, and experiences the universe subjectively (to borrow from bill hicks… who possibly borrowed from jung)…

So maybe it really IS too complex for us to grasp?

And maybe there is an “anti-life” force, which is corrupting the natural order of things… possibly as nature intends… and some of us just get stuck with that corruptive influence and live miserably, as conduits through which energy equalizes, ever in the flux of seeking an impossible balance.

Or maybe someday that balance will be reached, upon the heat death of the universe… long after our solar system has expired.

Or maybe we’re just animals who figured out how to use tools and build machines… and some of us are just unlucky and don’t get to experience “life” the way most seem to.

All the questions may never be answered.

I am certain that things could be better for me… but most of what’s wrong is not my choice, nor is most of it within my realm of influence, to change.

I am at the mercy of others… while they tell me it’s all up to me.

In the end, they will almost certainly forget the very advice they gave.

It’s all up to me. If i don’t see what i want as attainable, i don’t have to be here anymore.

Fascinating, horrifying, beautiful, terrible… and those who push the limits of human comprehension, tend to be shunned by those who don’t.

Upon exhausting my contemplative capacity, i tend to resign myself to the realm of “it is what it is…” and make the best answer i can, from all that can be observed… because that’s about the best i can do.

It’s possible that we’re only able to ask these questions while we’re alive in these forms, with insufficient capacity to understand the answers.

Essentially: we are able to determine that we have limits, and that there are questions we can ask, whose answers cannot be known. There are things we can wonder, but not know. We are able to know what can and can’t be known.

We are able to predict what can and can’t be done. We are able to know what is possible… and what is not.

We are able to determine when and where and how our efforts can be applied, and in which ways, in order to achieve the furthest advances of our abilities. We are able to know our potential… but almost never are we able to reach it.

We are able to know more than we can see… and even begin to grasp just how much more than even that, there is.

We can focus entirely on ourselves, our own sphere of local existence, even explore “innerspace,” internally. Or, we can zoom out so far, to the outer limits of perception, to the hazy fringes of comprehension, at which scale we are as invisible as atoms, locally.

“…if only they could understand…”

A tragic sentiment i find so familiar… but the costly truth is that they can’t.

Those who don’t need to think, don’t need to think. And so they will not, have not had the experience of the circumstances necessary to generate that perspective.

For those who cannot understand, the best you can do is attempt to prepare them, or attempt to leave a trail of breadcrumbs to lead the way into that abyss, should they feel so inclined, perhaps compelled, to reach for the answers they may seek.

And maybe this is a place where faith can still be useful. Maybe faith, not in a supernatural divinity, but in our fellow human beings; though less advanced or prepared than we may be; perhaps they will be able to reach a place of acceptance, of understanding, even without seeing everything you or i have seen. And if they don’t, or can’t, then that’s just the way things go, sometimes. Sometimes those blinding lies can be quite comforting. Sometimes it takes the courage to face the darkness, to appreciate what is revealed, through what isn’t showing.

Maybe some of us are meant to push the envelope with questions, while others find the answers easily, without being able to understand them… and then their questions are about how to understand the answers… which ultimately, eventually, teaches them to ask the right questions.

Not everyone is ready to understand that some of us are ready to go before we’re forced. Maybe in time they will come to appreciate how much you endured, to allow them to prepare… for what you’ve been ready and waiting for.

I would advise a thorough re-evaluation of everything, to make sure you did all you could, of all you wanted to do, before.