What’s the point..

Heey,
Im a 15 yr old girl who has been depressed for quite some time. I dont really know how to start this so I appologize if this seems to be “jumbled”, as that’s how my mind has been lately. I guess my depression really sunk in almost 4 years ago when my dad, irronically enough, commited suicide. Now I know what everyone will think, “that’s obviously why she’s depressed and that’s a normal response to such a tragedy.” Believe me, I’ve heard it all before. Now, I won’t go in to details, for that would take too long, but I did have a very hard childhood so that set me up for this “life of misery”. After my dad died, I had so much anger stored up inside that it all kind of came out and shoved me into a deep depression that I feel has just been waiting for me my whole life. I know God, and we used to have this wonderful relationship. I would call, he would answer. I would talk, he would listen. I would fall, he would catch me. I felt his presence everywhere. I knew I was still depressed, it just got easier to pretend I wasnt. Then, one day, poof. Nothing. No more open arms, ears… Nothing but unopend prayers and a cold soul inside me. I know how crazy this may sound, but for the past year I haven’t been able to “feel” anything. I KNOW when im sad, angry, “happy”, etc… But I can no longer FEEL the emption. And the spirit that once haunted my eyes is gone. No more. Dead with the rest of me. I suffer from anxiety, OCD, depression, and on top of that I also have Fibromyalgea making my emotional pain physical too. I want to die. So bad. Im not scared to die, im scared of what comes after. Please, I dont need anyone to say WHY I shouldnt kill myself, I just need someone to listen and tell me hpw to get BETTER. This demon inside me NEEDS to leave me. I cant handle to darkness anymore. I know I have family and friends who love me. I know others suffer from the same things I do, but I still feel so alone. I recently started cutting, too. Why? I never though I would be “that girl”. I know everyone says “life gets better”, but when? When will I have a sunny day without a rain cloud? Everytime I have a good day, something kicks me back down. its like, the universe doesnt want me to stand tall anymore. On the outside im the nice, friendly, loving, smily girl… On the inside im tired and broken and cut clean to the bone. I have been to 3 funerals in the last 6 months. I cant handle losing more people close to me. I feel like a faliure. Like im never good enough. Like I dont deserve to be happy. I know people say “god never makes mistakes” but I feel like he made one by putting me on this earth. People also say “god never gives you anything you cant handle” to that I would just like to say hes pushing his damn luck. I tried talking to my mom about wanting to die, but all she said was “if thats really how you feel than ill turn my back on you just like I did to your father”.. Im on the endge and it seems like everyone is pushing me closer and closer. You can only get so close before you either fall or chose to jump yourslef to stop the pain and aggony. Everything lately has been making me thing… What’s the point?
P.s. Thank you to whoever read this. It felt good getting things off my chest. But I know I need help. I need to know how to do that before I “help” myslef 🙁