I have been contemplating suicide for some time now…. it’s not because I want to die because I actually don’t. It’s just that I have run out of hope.
I lost my job over a year ago and have not been able to find a job. I’m barely surviving on Unemployment. The only company I have is my cat who I love dearly and who is the main reason I have kept trying. I just feel that the job market does not benefit the middle age and our government refuses to acknowledge that ageism is a factor nor have they made any attempt to pass any sort of jobs bill that would ban outsourcing which contributes to the job situation. My parents are dead and I am estranged from my siblings. Ever since I got laid off, the majority of my “friends” have kept their distance…some have blown me off entirely. I exercise, meditate, visualize for a better tomorrow and pray to God/the universe every night for things to improve but nothing has improved. I am just losing my faith that there is any GOD…we live in a completely random universe…one that benefits some people over others. I’ve been a good person my whole life. I cared for my mom when she was dying of cancer. I have an education.  I’ve worked hard and lived by the golden rule so why then is life so hard for me?
Recently, I interviewed for a job that I was perfectly qualified for. I felt certain that this was going to end my losing streak. They didn’t even invite me into their offices for a face to face meeting after a ten minute phone screening. So clearly there was something I said that turned them off. It couldn’t have been my experience because when I say that this was the perfect job for me, I am not exaggerating. I did something very close to what they are looking for at a major international corporation which is why they called me in the first place. For whatever reason, the hiring manager decided in that ten minutes, that he didn’t like me. Otherwise, I’d have been called for a face to face interview. I have dealt with so many rude recruiters and hiring managers and people in general, I’ve become bitter and misanthropic. Things are not what they were when I was in my 20’s, that’s for sure! People lack manners.
My unemployment isn’t enough after the sequester cut so I had to go on food stamps. My student loans went into default a few years ago and a collection agency is harassing me. These people don’t care about my situation. They are ruthless and I am sick and tired of fighting a losing battle. I’m dying every day… a slow and painful death.
I’m tired. Aside from my cat, I have an Uncle who lives outside of the country who I communicate with occasionally and I have a friend in New Jersey who I speak to but aside from those two people, I’m completely alone. I really hate trying to express myself online about my suicidal urges because people are so quick to tell me how I should turn to God or see a shrink. I should live, dammit, live! Don’t they think I’ve tried that? And besides…
Why? Why should I live? I don’t have children. i don’t have a significant other or local friends for that matter. I don’t even have people at work who rely on me to do a job. So why the hell should I keep pushing? I’m fucking tired! What’s so wrong with wanting to get out? Aside from my uncle, cat and friend in NJ, nobody will be effected by my death (although I imagine, my siblings will cry themselves a river of crocodile tears…total bullshit since neither has reached out to me in years). I don’t want to be homeless or live in a homeless shelter. Any hope I had for a better life has dissipated thanks to greedy politicians and stupid Americans who allowed this to happen.
My biggest fear regarding a suicide attempt is not succeeding and ending up handicapped. I think the least the government could do is let the people whose lives they destroyed die in peace…. if they had any heart, they’d issue cyanide pills.
I could jump off the Golden Gate which isn’t that far from me but it’s supposedly terribly painful. I saw a documentary a while back which featured a man who survived a jump. A gun would be messy and I don’t want to leave a mess. I want to create an exit bag as that seems the most painless and cleanest way to go so any advice on how to manufacture an effective one is appreciated. I guess I’m reaching out in the hopes that this forum will attract someone who knows where I’m coming from. If not, then I guess I really am alone….
13 comments
I know that feel bro. I’m not completely alone though although I feel like it because I can’t tell people how I really feel. I live with my parents right now. I constantly think of suicide because I think that will solve all my problems.
My brain is completely fried I think. I NEED to fucking end this bullshit. Like one of my threads I made recently every moment is torture for me. But will death really bring me peace? I don’t know. All I know is I can’t do this “life” thing anymore in this state.
I constantly visualize myself with a gun to my head or a glass full of cyanide. It’s the only thing that keeps me going ironically.
I hope you had a decent life in your younger years though. I’m only 23 and my life is already over. I’ve never had a girlfriend. Never kissed a girl or held a girls hand. I just wish my life turned out differently. But the universe doesn’t give a flying fuck about me or any other living creature on this miserable planet.
My younger years were great. When I was your age Bill Clinton was president and I could afford to live in NYC on a temp’s salary.
And then there was George W. Bush….
My last job as a Marketing Director paid me LESS than I made in 1996 working as a temporary executive assistant in New York City.
Well at least you had a good life in your younger years. Can you somehow make your later life work out or have you given up on that? Obama and Bush have destroyed the economy pretty much with their overspending on useless things like the military invading Iraq and other things.
Obama hasn’t ruined the economy. He inherited this mess and he got us out of Iraq. The House is controlled by Republicans who continue to block Obama’s efforts to further get us out of this mess. They’re the reason my unemployment got slashed because of the sequester.
Bush and his fucked up administration did this and John Boehner, Mitch McConnell and the Repulicunt greed machine continue to add to it….
My later life hasn’t work out because I can’t find a job and my student loans went into default. Now I’m in a hole I cannot get out of and on the verge of being homeless.
You’re right. Obama didn’t send us into Iraq. But he should have gotten us out right away. Anyways I’m not gonna argue politics with you. I wish the best for you. =)
im right where you are . the feeling that youre expressing hasnt let me go in 10 years half my whole life. im 21 but i feel like im 61. i wanna die because i see no reason to continue. i think ive lived long enough to see just how hard it is to live. even if i did do something like getting a job or going to school i still only wish to die. im a college student now and that doesnt make me any prouder of myself. it seems like nothing i do will make me happy or make me want to live. i just keep wanting to die. i cant enjoy living if i cant get rid of these feelings. why do i always feel suicidal? i dont know. maybe because i hate myself so much or maybe because i know i will never love myself, what ever the reason is its killing me before i even get a chance to start my life. i cant keep going on like this, i understand that things may not be the same for my family if im gone but eventually at some point i will kill myself. i am a threat to myself and have been since i was twelve. some days im ok but the days that im contemplating my own death i try to hide it with false hope. the truth is i have no hope, i really want to die.
now, enough about me, but the reason why im responding to you is because your story really caught my attention and my sympathy. i dont like to read about or hear about people feeling like this, it really hurts me juat as much as it hurts you. i know i know, theres not much i can do on the internet to help u, but i can give some words to read, and i surely hope that one day you feel better. im glad u have your lovely cat, i have my lovely dog, and frankly besides my mommy he’s the only reason why im still hanging on by a string. i understand that u dont want to hear the same o same o with advices that people try to give when it comes to us who are dreading living life. but just know that theres people who really do care and frankly they really dont know what else to say besides what somebody else has told them at some point in their lives. and in my opinion, most times those words dont usually work so heres what i will say: if you’ve made up your mind to die, then dont waste any more time crying about it, prepare for it. you say youre losing faith in god, well, if you would just take one minute out of your last few minutes to realize that he’s a god of love and forgiveness then killing yourself wont seem so scary anymore. you’ll know that he’s the only one that fully understands u, that knows u better than yourself. he knows that if you commit suicide, your not dying in vain but youre dying from the dreadful pain. i dont believe he will be mad at u for that. now im not gon lie, as much as i want to die, death is a bit scary to me. but when i tell god that i cant do it anymore, i feel that he understands me, like he would probably give me another chance if i happen to do kill myself because most likely i wont be in my right mind when that day comes. so yeah i know nobody cant change your mind, no matter what they say or do, but one thing for sure is that god is still in your life whether u know it or not. youre still alive, youve made it this far and the fact that you know that anything could go wrong from a suicide attempt that could leave you further fucked up means that deep down inside theres a part of you that feels that there is a reason why youre still here. so its ok, youre not alone with feeling lonely. im lonely too. and dont kill yourself unless you really mean it.
Don’t lose faith in God….I suggest you read into Sikhism. It’s a beautiful religion that gives a deeper meaning of life. You won’t help yourself by killing and hurting this body that God has given you. You won’t go to a better place… i’m sad to say that. This is our chance and we should take it and live through with it. Where do you live? There are temples that have community kitchens to anyone no matter what religion, color or gender. Here try it: http://www.sikhnet.com/ Do not hurt yourself, please….
I love your post too StrangMagic. For my exit bag I got a pair of the large Balloon Time helium tanks at PartyCity for $80. I got two 10-foot lengths of clear soft plastic tubing from Home Depot and a roll of duct tape for $15 then large oven bags for $5 I think it was.
The part you wrote about being totally alone except for your cat made me cry a little. Then I remembered that I don’t even have a cat or any pets either. Gosh what are we doing just surviving not even living. People will write that the exit bag doesn’t work but fuck it I am trying anyway being a vegetable is better than this fucked-up bullshit I pretend is a life.
People who have a natural inclination toward righteousness and honor, tend to have a harder time in this world, these days. Living by self-imposed rules which do not bind others, only puts you at a disadvantage. You’re trying to “play fair” in an unfair world. Congratulations, you’ve unlocked “hardmode.”
Life isn’t about being a good person anymore. It’s about exploiting each and every opportunity for all it’s worth, including other people. Or rather, that’s what “success” is about. If your life is about success, then that’s how it is. No one ever wins big by making safe bets.
I mean… i suppose, if it makes you feel better in some way, that you could imagine a higher power and an afterlife… but that doesn’t solve the Now.
The better world isn’t created through simply imagining and “believing,” it is built through action. It’s not created by a feeling of intense desire, but by the actions that result from “wanting it bad enough.”
But i totally feel you. When you start to see the truth about the way the world really is, today… it doesn’t seem worth the value we’re expected to perceive. And then just seeing that it’s not what we’re mislead to believe, puts us in the ‘outsider’ category, where those who don’t understand, tend to shun us.
I don’t approve of “the way things are” either, but the only choices are to make it different, accept and participate, or remove ourselves from the system, and act outside of it.
Changing the world is hard. But since we’re alive to see that it needs changing, and alive to be mad enough to do something about it… we might as well try, instead of shirking our duty as human beings, and letting the ‘shit roll downhill’ to the next guy.
I know it sounds fantastically idealistic… but that’s really the only way. You have to find a way to survive and thrive independent of the machine… or you are at the mercy of that machine, and it can chew you up and discard you at any moment.
im completely alone -.- 🙁 have my family, nothing more… lost all i love just not family
I am alone. I want to die too.
not everything is lost..just..read it
I don’t want to assume this will help, but I know how you feel. I too have no-one, when my life finally turned completely sour instead of just the downward spiral that had been progressing for many years, my so called friends turned their back, even allowing me to live on the street when I had no where else to go because they liked their “space” in their own home, despite the fact that I only needed a place to stay for a couple of weeks until I could get a plane back to my home country. As I had been away so long I can’t get any money from the government and apart from suffering from depression for a long time I have a small amount of money that will last a few more weeks. Once that is gone I will go to the quiet place to die I have chosen. This isn’t an outreach for sympathy, I don’t need that, it’s just the way it is, life simply sometimes, for some people, completely sucks. I don’t want to die either, but quality of life is more important than how long you live, and although it is said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, sometimes those problems aren’t so temporary. It’s not a case of giving up, it’s a case of having the wisdom to know when it’s time to let go. You have my complete sympathy for how you are feeling, I wish you well and hope things improve for you.