A quick view of my life and why I want it to end.

I found this site tonight after searching ‘what to do when you want to die.’   It’s an absurd thing to search…what to do.   I am miserable because I failed to live up to my potential in pretty much every aspect of life, although what I once thought of as my potential may have been sort of make believe in the first place.   I’m very smart, so I get how the world works to a certain degree.  I made some choices early in life based on things I thought I understood.  I thought it was important to exist outside the main stream of American society.  Examples of how I did this are that I did not participate in the traditional wage labor economy, I avoided relationships and situations that propagated gender stereotypes and historically unfair power relationships, I read and read and learned about the thinkers that really seemed to have stepped outside the norm as far as thinking about what life is about.  I don’t know exactly how these choices led me to where I am at, perhaps they didn’t but here I am.  I have no discipline, I have no focus, I have no energy, I have no ambition.  I lost these things because I neglected them and I have no idea how to get them back.  The world is what it is and if you try and go your own way with no clear Idea of where and how you will fail because you have no support.  Hiedigger says something about making your life about your individual project, I took this as my highest ideal and searched out what my unique contribution could be.  I have always been creative and found some success in writing and painting.  Yet I never finish, never follow through.  After years of half assed starts and hiccups I’ve become so upset with myself and the predictability of my actions I’ve taken to drinking almost every day and doing whatever drugs fall into my lap.  It further reduces my energy and so here I am.  Tired, lonely, still starting shit I’ll never follow through on, alchoholic and lazy, unhealthy since I’ve stopped biking, and now recently broke.   The people around me are alright but I do not truly care about them.  I’ve been in three or four long term relationships that all failed because of me.  I will never find real love because I do not have the energy or desire to do so.  Why not, why can’t I find that energy.  So I’m not going to kill myself but there isnt a day that goes by that I am not aware of the fact that I want to.  I want to die.  I turn 30 in August, I do not care about what that means.   Maybe I should get a dog.