Cross your heart, I hope to die

I feel like I’m lost; I’m being sucked in to a black hole of nothingness. Every time it gets a little bit better I find that, quite soon after, everything is worse. It is like one step forwards and five backwards.

Lately, I keep thinking of suicide. Re-writing the letters I may or may not leave for the people closest to me. I have started to collect tablets again. Any pain killer I can find. My mother has stopped hiding them so this is a simple task. I have started to cut, deeper and more often.

I have nowhere to turn, nobody whom I feel I can talk too.  My friends all believe I am better; I have recovered from when I went to hospital. They don’t see the slices and cuts that cover my arms and legs. However, my mother said she thinks I am going down hill again.

The therapy, CAMHS, does not really help. How can I say how I truly feel? How can I tell them what I am really thinking when I am scared if I do they might lock me away… I know everything (the whole truth) makes me sound crazy. Maybe I am. It all sounds pathetic but I don’t know where else to turn or what I can do but try to end it, again. But when?