I wanted to leave this as a sort of enduring statement, simply because it’s my last opportunity to leave one. Or at least it may be.
There is something seriously broken with this system. It is often said that suicide is irrational or insane, but I would like to state for the naysayers that it is the system we have created which is insane, brutish, cruel, unnecessary, and irrational. If someone is no longer capable of living within the confines of this system, and lacks the resources to escape it, then suicide is the last option and the only remaining reasonable option.
For three years, I have earnestly searched for work since graduating college with a high GPA with a somewhat practical degree (economics). Despite this, I have constantly found myself in an insane rut of requiring experience to get experience, and thereby, have failed to gain any experience whatsoever. I am unable to get a job that doesn’t require a college degree because I’m “overqualified,†yet can’t get one because of this maddening experience requirement that I seem incapable of ever fulfilling.
To add to this, I have increasingly severe social anxiety disorder that I am incapable of properly treating because I have no real employment. Yet I know this is severely impacting my interviewing.  I’m absolutely disgusted with myself and hate the fact I can’t properly support myself legitimately. I tried hard my entire life to become successful, and now find myself incapable of doing so.
I have one final interview tomorrow. If it doesn’t work, fuck this place. Humanity can enjoy the heart eating rebels, $1m a year lobbyists stealing from middle class taxpayers to distribute amongst the military industrial complex, people too busy watching the NFL to care about how badly they’re being fucked over, and hack party partisans who don’t realize that the entirety of Washington is corrupt and needs to be ousted like Mubarak or Qaddafi. I’m simply too exhausted, socially isolated, beaten down, and angry to give a shit anymore.
I am ready to die. I have a ******** tank with an exit bag and will be taking a lot of propranolol just to be sure that it works. Might as well do it right and make sure nobody can stop me.
4 comments
It’s not you it’s the system. The system is idiotic. Needing experience to get experience….unbelievably stupid. I don’t have a “real job” either I slave away at whatever jobs I can get in the neighborhood as I’m disabled. Years ago I was strong enough to possibly work and went out looking for a job and no one wanted me because I am disfigured. They wouldn’t even take me as a dish-washer or a hotel-cleaner. Wouldn’t consider me for anything because of my appearance. This world is warped, that’s all I can say, don’t blame yourself for not being “successful.” Lord knows I’ve worked my a** off all my life struggling, struggling harder than anyone I know to get by, and I will never be anything in this world but a toilet bowl cleaner. That’s where society has deemed me to belong. We’ve not been born into a world where things are fair, and if you work hard and do good you will be rewarded. Seems like the hardest working and best souls suffer the worst and are deprived of the most.
@ TamamShud- I can relate to pretty much everything you say. Except I’m a college dropout. I have no real future. I don’t have the energy to do anything except fantasize about my own death.
I’d like to go out Chris Dorner style and kill a bunch of people but I don’t have the energy for that either. I’m not talking about killing innocents I’m talking about killing the evils of this world responsible for the majority of the suffering.
Enduring statement indeed. I can totally relate to much of what you’ve written.
Just today, in fact, i was talking to my sister about how we are surrounded by “doublespeak,” as if straight out of “1984.”
Your comment “It is often said that suicide is irrational or insane, but…” reminded me of that.
The only part i must disagree with, is your quite liberal usage of “the royal ‘we’,” in attributing the creation of this horrible system to “us.” I damn sure didn’t make this shit, and i certainly don’t agree with this modern slavery system, and i will not accept any responsibility for what said system produces.
It’s not “my” fault. It’s not “your” fault.
Blame the ones actually responsible for creating this system, not the victims it generates and somehow manipulates into perpetuating itself.
We are but batteries in a battery factory that runs on its own batteries. As long as it keeps making us, it will have us powering it. As long as we’re powering it, it will keep making more.
We can refuse to power it, or we can sit around waiting for it to stop doing what it’s designed to do.
We have some control, but not all… but it’s enough, if we would all agree to stop the system. It’s just that getting everyone to agree an actually participate in stopping this system and building a new one, correctly, would require a revolution, and i don’t think we’re ready for that yet. Too many are still content with being good little batteries and powering this battery-making-system.
I am curious why with beta-blocker?