My Suicide Dream

I was maybe 11yo  I was sitting on the toilet when my mother demanded I unlock the door or  she would beat me this was a daily thing for me but the angrier she was the worst the beatings were. I cringed as I unlocked the door ran back to the toilet to finish my business, before I could finish she came in grabbed me by the hair and threw me on the floor with a hardwood stick she began to beat me after she stated a couple of reasons for the beating she stopped and looked around and began to beat me again for making a mess with my feces as I rolled up in the corner from the beating. She yelled at me clean up this mess next time ill stick your nose in it for making a mess you retard when your done clean you room or I’ll hit you again. She was a hoarder then and still is most of her stuff went to my room so her friends and boyfriends would not see it. Trying to hold in the crying so I would not get beat again I cleaned up the mess in the restroom. I walked in to the room the mess that she was referring to in my room were several boxes of junk she had bought at the local Pic & Save stacks of paranormal magazines and old newspapers that I was not allowed to throw-away. I Took down the clothes I had in my closet and began to throw them in my dresser so more b9xes would fit. as i move boxes 1 ripped good thing I had extras since she was always asking for them I would pick them up from behind stores when I found them. I began to stack the stuff in new boxes a bottle of pills rolled out might have been Motrin or ibuprofen I don’t recall in less then two seconds I threw the bottle under my bed. (Someone had once told me that if you take enough of any pill you could die.) It was late almost time for bed I do not remember thinking much about it I just went to the kitchen grabbed a glass a water went back to my room and began popping pills I was just hoping this would end my pain It was a large bottle almost full. I finished the bottle and hid the empty bottle in one of the boxes.and went to bed and faded into sleep I Heard someone call me a man’s voice I was surprised and looked up I was laying in my bed and man was standing at my window.  Who are you I asked a friend he answered but somehow I felt like I already knew I could trust him which was rare for me.  He said come you need to see something were are we going am I dead now? I asked. No he answered. I thought maybe he was an angel I said out loud you don’t look like an angel he told me the form he took and the spirit world I would  see were simply presented to me in a way that relate to it  now or in the future. he took my hand and took  me to a spirit world where he explained  personal things about me he told me this life was not suppose to be easy for me in fact to expect pain and misery more then good. Well then why would I want to stay then? I asked that is why I am here . We were flying through the skies he took to me to several sites with spirits that seemed miserable crying raving with anger and scared . I was scared but felt safe with him there.  What do you think he asked? Can you help them. No they can only help themselves but they cannot. Why I asked? They are trapped lost souls they relive the pain and misery over and over that caused them to commit suicide. So there is no escape for them? Well yes but it is almost impossible and then they just move to another plain from here. I’ll show you he said and then we were flying again all of a sudden faceless pale spirits were flying all around us I do not know why but I became consumed by fear can they hurt us I asked? Yes but not right now. They wailed and moan floating about seeming to search for something. some how I knew they were looking for a way out. How long must the be here? A long time he said do you want to be like these souls I have showed you no I answered? Then you must live out you life out as it was given to you promise me you will not kill yourself no matter how hard things get for you and it will get worst. I promise I won’t try it again we returned to my room we stood by the window okay you have to go back now’ What do you mean? Look he said. I looked over there was my body I freaked out do not worry you are okay just go lay down there like you are on the bed. so I did.  Next thing I heard was my alarm clock I am not dead I thought as I awoke. I never mentioned any of this to anyone in my family and just like the dream told me my life has not been that good. I often go into depressions I seem to be self destructive in all aspects of my life and often feel like a total failure and believe all the  names that my mom would call are true I hate myself  and am embarrassed of myself and ashamed. I have thought of suicide but I remember my dream and Ill put the gun down Ill put away the pills and I’ll take some time to recover and compose myself so I can semi function in this world that seems to hate me and pray for strength for me for those like me. Why? because I fear it was not just a dream and re-living this pain and misery forever is worst then my short sentence in this life so I ask for the strength to survive.