Paranoia..

I’ve been severely paranoid for years. To the point of isolation, eating things that only come out of sealed packets that I buy, only drinking bottled water ect… I got better with the help of quetiapine and haloperidol. I’m currently looking after my niece and nephew and still taking my meds.. Before I came to care for them one of my best friends stopped talking to me.. She just ignored me and still is, at the same time another close friend that I had lost contact with started talking to me constantly.. The same day.. It wasn’t me that made contact either or provoked the ignorance. 2 weeks ago my passport went missing, missing as in completely gone. I tore the house apart looking for it. Today it was on the top of my handbag. Things keep going missing and turning up when I get to the point of giving up looking in the most obvious of places. It feels like I’m being pushed from one extreme to the other by someone. My friendships, relationships, possessions and health feel like they are constantly being tested, like I’m under some sort of experiment. I’m scared and the only way I can think to make it stop is suicide but what if it is just my mind playing tricks on me again. I thought about seeking medical help but I don’t want to get sectioned. I just want it to stop and this feels like my only way out. I have two weeks left till the kids go away for holidays. I just want it to stop, that little voice that says non of it can be a coincidence and that links everything together into the plot that haunts me constantly….  I feel like a hamster in a cage that is being poked and prodded until it dies of stress..