Ready to go

This is my first post and I’m ready for oblivion. My name’s Rob & I’m 42 and I’ve always known that I would commit suicide. My life sucks. My wife wants a divorce and I understand. I’m totally fucked up! We’ve been married for 18 yrs. and I’ve spiraled out of control in the last 5. Prescription drugs have been a monkey on my back for a long time. I use the pills to try to feel alive, without them, there’s nothing but a hole where others have happiness or at least contentment. I come by my on little flavor of insanity honestly, my father was a nut job and my mother was only slightly better. He only hit me a couple of times but anger and thus fear were always close. After they split up things were better for awhile until my on mother started putting the moves on me at age 13. Can you believe that, well, it’s true. We never had sex but I always knew she wanted too do it. I was a good looking kid with an insane sense of humor (probably because I’m insane) so I blamed myself. These two idiots totally screwed my head up permanently and all the psychiatrist and counselors and pills can’t fix me. I give up. I don’t fit in anywhere, never have. I’ve always felt that I’m an outside observer of the world, that I’m not really part of reality. I’m an atheist, a realist, inclined toward the sciences and logic. So, at an early age I was telling myself that this Sunday School b.s. is a dead end. Well, anyway, to make a ridiculous long story more digestible I’ll sum up the last 20 yrs. I’ve been creating a doctor, meaning, I’ve put my wife thru undergraduate school, medical school and residency all while attempting an appearance of sanity, even though I was dying inside. This is a Darwinian universe and its evidenced in the vast amounts of cruel indifference that surrounds us. I no longer wish to participate in the pageantry of bullshit that is life. Tried killing myself four days ago. I bought a fifteen ft. hose and ran it from my tail pipe to my back door window. Closed all the windows and recycled the A/C. Nothing but a headache after two hours. I realize now that my 2009 Accord utilizes a low emission system. So, I don’t have a gun and can’t get one because I was a psychiatric patient last year. I’m need some solid ideas.