The love of my life left me recently.
I had never felt anything so true or so pure, and despite wanting to hate her for not being able to cope with MY depression, I still just pray that she is happy and well.
She left because she couldn’t handle me spiraling down into clinical depression again; at least that’s what she told me. My ‘black dog’, as Winston Churchill would call it, brought me all the way down to dropping out of high school despite being an honors student. I was just fighting through it and getting self confidence when I met her for the first time.
Three years later.
I feel betrayed that I gave every single bit of my heart and soul to this woman and have never let anyone be that close to me ever; and she’s already sleeping with other guys- knowing that I’ve been in Crisis Care for serious suicidal thoughts lately. I still can’t fall out of love. I’ve tried everything, making lists of things I didn’t like about her, no contact, etc etc.
I’m just so sick of thinking about ending it all, and feeling guilty about ending it all. I won’t, one of my faults is too big of a heart to do that to the people that care about me and I know there are a lot; which is why it makes it so hard to deal with this.
People love me, people tell me I’m great, people look up to me; but I just don’t believe any of it. Despite me believing these people are genuine and truthful. I just don’t believe it.
I don’t eat, or sleep. I’m on Fluoxetine and some other sort of sleep aid booster but it doesn’t help. Talking to the therapist again next week.
I’m just so damn sick of seeing these fleeting moments of happiness and then having it all just vanish like it never existed. I hate feeling like I’m a ghost just walking around in a faceless crowd. I hate the way that people look at me with sympathy and pity that know I’ve been suicidal. People judging me for my disease, this illness; It’s not who I am. I’m me, not a bomb. Not a spectre or a ghost. Don’t look at me like you’re surprised I haven’t done it yet.
I’m trying to find out the good in all of this; learning more about myself and my relationship to God. Right now though, it’s just so.. damn.. hard..
2 comments
I’m sorry. I also like Churchill’s word for it.
I just wrote this to someone else, but you have to let her go. Like erase her from your life. A great way to do that is to date and/or bang other women. It has worked for countless friends of mine who have gone through the same thing.
If you find yourself with no one to bang, focus on that relationship with yourself (don’t worry about that other one) and set yourself some goals like school, self improvement, hobby, or maybe even volunteering. Gaming heavily has always worked for me. Anything(healthy) to obliterate that perpetual lovesick cycle you are in.