So tired

So tired, so ready to go, so wanting to leave the world I hate behind, escape its evil and pain and cruelty. Yet so afraid of what I will find on the other side, so afraid to exchange a temporary hell (no matter how long and painful) for a permanent one.  And so I end up staying in the pain I know, seemingly mocked forever as the nerd, the nothing, the loser, a complete failure in everyone’s eyes including my own.  I want to die but am afraid to, want to end my pain but am afraid it will just follow me.  Yet I know there may come a day when I am too exhausted to care any longer, when crazed by pain I may just drive to the deepest forest I can find, and walk into it, wait somewhere until the sleep of death finds me.  I just want to leave.  I write this because I needed to say it.