every fucking day of my life. same shit different day. every fucking day. if it’s not all day, it’s on and off throughout the day. a fucking roller coster. there is no one. no one who fucking gets it. you would think id get some sort of sense of compassion and be treated somewhat equally. no. my sense of reality is skewed?! maybe sometimes it is. but theirs? so fucking skewed. so wrong. it hurts so fucking badly. just fucking excuses. every fucking day. there is no one. when i thought there was someone. there is fucking no one. but im the MORON who keeps fucking trying! keeps fucking trying for what?! nothing! to fucking rot in a grave one day for the rest of eternity?! that scares me beyond words. thats what gives me panic attacks. so now because of that, i want to have a good life, i want to make something of myself, i want to be happy, i want to be the best., i want to use every second of the time i have on earth in a positive way! i dont want to fucking waste and hate my life. that’s my biggest fucking fear. my biggest fucking fear is true. every second it’s the same fucking thing. nobody understands. nobody knows what the fuck it’s like. i complain too much?! fine. i complain. so what?! im human! im hurt im depressed im frustrated im sad im angry im terrified im insane. i must be insane. i keep fucking trying, for what?! i keep thinking something will be different. how fucking stupid am i. how fucking stupid. im so fucking stupid. yeah. i need to be more proactive about certain things. i definitely do. it’s like i have a mental block. things just overwhelm me. but if there weren’t unnecessary extras to further overwhelm me, maybe it would be a whole lot easier to approach every task and be slightly more proactive to things or receptive to important things. i know i fucking try. i try my fucking hardest every second here. and because i try my fucking hardest with certain things, other things get neglected because i feel FUCKING OVERWHELMED. this is so fucking painful. it is fucking impossible. what the fuck am i doing?! what the fuck? im so fucking worried about and consumed with other things, that the things i should be focusing on right now are being neglected. do people think i fucking want that?! no. do i want to fucking neglect things that are to my benefit? no. maybe theres an underlying issue here. i choose certain things to focus on because i get too overwhelmed. i rank the wrong things at a certain level of importance i guess. what the fuck. i try so fucking hard and i cant get some fucking slack on my end. what the fuck. another fucking day or going to sleep fucking miserable, waking up fucking miserable. im wasting my energy, im wasting my time, im wasting my breath, im wasting my emotions. what the fuck. there is a shortage of words in our language, because i cant find enough words to describe all of this. just what the fuck. ill just continue to fucking rot.