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Awake again….

by StrayMuttBall
written by StrayMuttBall

Another morning…..trying to focus.  I just can’t.  Why?  To what end?  For another morning, years from now, to realize the same thing every waking moment that I’m miserable and there’s no point.  I can barely look at myself without breaking down.  I hate myself – unworthy fuck.  Fuck you all for making me feel like a freak, but fuck myself most of all for letting it get to me.  I wish I could be stronger.  I should be.  I thought I would have grown out of this, but it’s always there really.  I feel like a scared spoiled brat wasting away in a 30 year old body.  If I don’t die soon, I’ll be posting anonymous rants for 50 more years or so.  Pathetic, isn’t it?  Can you not tell, I lack the guts to take responsibility for my own life and just end it?

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4 comments

Absolute 7/30/2013 - 9:09 am

Stray this is exactly the same thing that im going through now but im going to get gassed soon..

RenoBill 7/30/2013 - 10:41 am

yep, same feelings here. Same shit, different day. That’s why I’m close to pulling the trigger. Can’t keep on like this much longer.

PainNlife 7/30/2013 - 12:04 pm

I know how you feel… many of us are on the edge… just waiting to jump

StrayMuttBall 7/30/2013 - 12:28 pm

@Absolute, I had to read around to figure out what you meant by “gassed”. I’m confused about suicide when I apply it to myself. I have not attempted it, I only fantasize about it and cut myself. I wish I could die but I’m lucky to have people/pets I care about and I worry for them. They keep me grounded to this world. I don’t know what it’s like not to have ties to humanity and I don’t know if I’d have the courage to take my own life. Although, I spend an unhealthy amount of time researching ways to do it – painlessly – like your plan.

I wish you well. I hope for you to have a happy life, but yeah, we’re on SP so……I guess I can only wish you the best on your trip. I don’t know how to reply really, sorry, I feel awkward now responding. It’s easier to post and walk away. I’m terribly socially anxious as well. I’m currently pursuing a more reclusive life in the country. At least I have goals, haha.

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