I spend a lot of my day thinking about my life , thinking about where it went wrong, how did this happen too me?. I was once happy and joyful now that me is gone i spend most of my day  wanting too end my own life because I am tired of it i am tired of waking up everyday doing the same shit over and over again and each and everyday it gets worse and harder. I go to sleep literally praying for death then  i wake up still alive and it starts all over again. I think about suicide A LOT more then anything, Half my day is thoughts of killing myself , i even came close too doing it. and wrote at least 4 letters already saying that i am sorry blah blah blah, but  i know i don’t have it bad as most people do i was never bullied or abused or emotionally fucked up i have friends, parents , and a beautiful girlfriend that loves me. I was a normal kid then somehow i suddenly wanted too quit, i suddenly felt like it wasn’t worth living for. I mean come on we are born, we grow up, we go to school, we get a job, we have kids, get old, then die so nothing we do makes any difference and I’m quite tired of life. matter of fact it feels as if i am no longer living i just simply exist here, i am just living for people right now. Whats keeping me alive somehow is a small tiny fight inside me that does want a happy future but  it cant keep fighting much longer i am still  ere for my girlfriend and people that love me what happens when i am gone?. What happens if  i am selfish enough to take away my life what happens too them?. My girlfriend pushes me so hard too get better and she even does succeed in making me happier and cheerful sometimes, for about 3-5 days every once in awhile. i will be happy again, almost normal like i use to be so long ago. I even look back on this and I am like ” Why was like this?” ”What was i thinking?”  then once it ends BAM reality slaps me in the face, and tells me everything is not okay and to stop pretending, and I feel even worse then before its like you dig a hole just to fall back inside but deeper , back to feeling lonely, feeling helpless feeling like if i complain i will look weak i will look pathetic and lame. Maybe that’s the whole reason i don’t see a doctor like my girlfriend has begged me time and time again. I mean i could easily pull my life together possibly, but i just don’t want too anymore because i know that  i am going to feel this fear and anxiety as long as i am alive i try hard to cope with it i distract myself with games most the day since i don’t have a job or school but its just not working anymore, i just wish everyone could forget about me and let me put a bullet into my head or any other suicide method i have searched for frantically that is  how i came across this website. I don’t know exactly what posting this on here will do for me maybe someone will give me advice? i am not sure. but i am not sure how much longer i can go on i have no goals, no motivation, no hope, no job ,dropped out of school so i never finished or paid attention much in there anyways so my grammar might be bad but i tried there is much more but i can’t even begin to explain everything.
4 comments
Talking to a doctor won’t make you look weak, pathetic or lame – really! You have a lovely girlfriend, but I know how it feels to have this special person who can make you happy at times… only at times. I lost this person though and now I think I wasn’t grateful enough.
It may be true that you’re going to feel fear and anxiety as long as you’re alive – it may be true for a lot people, but still, it’s highly possible that you’ll learn to… i don’t know, control it? so it doesn’t interfere with your life, reaching for happiness etc.
If you don’t believe that pulling your life together is worth trying… maybe you could tell yourself it’s worth to try changing something out of pure curiosity. I mean… if everything is the same, you might as well do something else, right? something better for you. Then you can see if it’s really not worth it…
How are we ever to feel that our actions matter? We do have the ability to reach people, to make a difference in the world, wether small or large. But then what? We die. We are gone. Some may care, and many will never even know or care that we were alive. So how do we justify our actions? When it comes down to it, it’s all in the mind. Each person has to decide for themselves how they want to live and why. In suicide you make the decision to give up on life. You decide that you know there is no possible future for yourself that is better than death, despite not know what is on the other side, if anything at all. You can’t really know if it is “worth it”. How can you judge life’s worth? In my opinion, you only get one. That alone makes it more valuable than anything. If you only ever got one meal, or one chance to swim, or to ever see the sun set one time, you would not judge the worth of those things, you would simply want to experience them, knowing that you only had once chance.
You both
have made some good points and opened my eyes a little I will take it into consideration. Thank you so much.
I feel the same way you do as I am in a similar situation. I know that life itself is valuable but I dont feel as mine is much value anymore. especially since I am missing the things that give it value like happiness, friends, love, fun, excitement, or even simple things like not feeling sad. I feel like I am in a bad movie that replays the same sad scene over and over and I want to turn it off…..