getting worse

I have had a hard life. Some I brought on myself and some just seemed to happen to me.

In the past few years, things began to turn around and I found myself, what I love was building and growing.

Then I got hit by a car. Hit and run while I was on my bicycle. It turned into a three ring circus with the police behaving badly, my girlfriend behaving so badly I ditched her, I lost my business I put everything into over the pas ttwo years because I couldnt physically and mentally keep up, I was almost evicted last month because there is no money because the guys insurance ahs paid for nothing yet, I don’t recognize myself any more, I am not the person I was and I don’t like the new me’

there is nothing I want, nothing I desire, nothing I believe, nothing that feels good, nothing that doesn’t get taken away and no one that cares. when i try to talk about it all I hear is “you are so strong you will get through it.” i am not strong enough for this

i want out

i don’t want to be here anymore

i have to make sure the cat and fish are taken care of and then I want to make sure I have enough money to pay to have my body disposed of so nobody has to deal with it…I dread the months its going to take to put that together but I look forward to it too, living is destroying the integrity I built in my life and I want to save what I gained