I can’t leave

I’ve spent the last 2 years wishing for my end. I’m in my late 40’s and find it unbelievable that it’s taken this long for me to realize that I’ve never been happy. I’m fairly certain that I will not do it because I just could never do such a thing to my child who I love so very dearly. My child saves my life on a daily basis. My problem is that I don’t want to be saved. I really want the pain to end today, but it won’t. My strength to hold will inevitably fade. I pray not to wake up tomorrow and that I don’t have to do this myself.