I want to opt out

My life has had good times and bad times, grew up in a violent household, but get on well with both parents now.  Average poor kid.  Older brother younger sister.  I have always been rubbish at relationships though, always pick the wrong person but I have come to the conclusion there is no right person.  First guy just stopped loving me.  He said he loved me but he didn’t.  I could tell.  Second guy, we had two kids then he slept with my next door neighbour.  Third guy, we have a kid, but things aren’t good.  This man that I feel like I do everything for says he loves me, swears by it even, but can’t help but put me down all the time.  Throughout my relationships I have let bad debt get a hold on me and now I owe £15,000 roughly.  Not masses in the big scheme of things but way more than I have.  I can’t get a job and as my partner had his wages docked because of ill health we can’t even afford to fee our kids.  On February 16th 2012 my brother died very suddenly at age 44.  The person I was closest to on the whole planet, who always looked out for me, gone in an instant.  Today is his birthday and he should be 46.  I miss him like you could not possibly imagine.

Things are bad at home.  My partner doesn’t want any kind of physical relationship with me despite still wanting us to marry.  We argue and say hateful things.  We shouldn’t be together, but my son adores him and i can’t do that to him.  But in the mean time I am just the ‘selfish’ and unsupportive one because I want to learn to drive and be more independent.  Everyday I see people having fun, enjoying holidays, parties, social stuff.  They can afford little treats and stuff.  But I can’t.  I can’t afford to feed my kids.  They would all be better off if I had died and not my brother.

I just want to opt out of life, to stop.