idk im new

so here is my story…

it all started when i was born. i guess.. my parents where poor.. my father was a drunk.. year went on and i was a normal child. UNTIL… i was 6.. my brother started this weird thing.. tried to get me to go spy on my sister.. and then put a belt buckle into my bottom. i ran out of the bedroom crying told my mother.. she comes out with you better tell your father.. i remember our home had alot of people there having stuff done to it.. i was young. i new something to do with the septic tank.. anyways.. i remember telling my dad.. nothing happend. but my brother didnt do anything for a little bit then we moved and it started… i remember him making me do things..  and i also remember waking up to raping me .. i was 8 then.. finally he was caught doing it to our cousin.. he was 15 at the time. she was 7.. he ran away.. was found in our local woods.. he turned 16 in jail.. when my parents had found out they were upset and more worried about what our family would think.. i was 11 and told them he did it to me too. they just looked at me and nothing was said.. two weeks later they bailed him out of jail.  so to begin i tried to commit suicide the first time i was 9 years old.. tried cutting my wrist.. did it wrong.. parents didnt even find out..  i acutally cut my upper forearm.. the second time i tried to hang myself i was 13 years old. on a chin up bar in that was across my closet doorway.. but my older brother found me trying, which was home from the army..( not the one who molested me)  he talked to me for hours but  i didn’t ever tell him why.. my other bothers n sisters didn’t know what my one brother did till i told them when i was 19. my third time i was 15 in my school.. and well that went well.. i refused psych help. around then my mother tried to get me into a program for kids who have been molested. it didn’t go well at all the doc never listened. to my story’s or what my concerns were. my fourth time was when i was 20 actually my 20 birthday.. i was drinking Bacardi rum and chasing it with puckers ..i was trying to kill myself by alcohol. i got home.. i even started to date a girl that day. i took a whole bottle of Tylenol.. just got real sick for a week.. no one to this day knows that was a suicide attempt.  the fifth time i was 21 i tried to hang my self again.. but the damn rope broke… i used shoelaces over 15 tied into one and a few other things but yeah.. my 6 was my most recent.. it was December 22 2012.. my fiance at the time was tired of me… she knew i was depressed but didn’t do anything really to help.. yeah she called and made doc appointments. but i would never fallow thru with them.. i was on the phone with her and tried to hang myself with an electric extension cord.. i jumped figuring i would snap my neck.. nope… it just left a bad bruise on my neck and fuck my breathing up for like a month.. she didn’t even call he cops till 2 hours later. she thought i was faking… and we have kids together.. our one child was at her sisters for the night while our 5 month old was in his crib sleeping.  she only called the cops cause she wanted to bring this guy home.. and i broke up with her cause she came home before she called the cops.. i told her it was over.. i felt worthless i still do.. i was thrown out like trash.. i spent a week in the BHU at the local hospital.. was fed drugs that just made me worse.. or feel like i was tripping in my sleep. which was kinda cool.. she started to date this guy and that didnt last. so i tried to fix things. cause she said we were soul-mates.. even was fwb with her.. that didn’t work out ended up a big fight.. and now we are not friends. and im watching her self destruct by being into pills and alcohol.cause she’s in her head to much..i got her to admit it to me.. she thinks im fine.. but by far… im not fine.. i just want it to fucking end.. my whole life has been misery.. my father was a drunk never there my mother just hid from the problems.. never teaching us kids how to grow up.. but i have no friends due to all this.. i have no one to talk to anymore.. here i sit 28 years old.. feeling like im a vessel for misery. and i just feel like my time to end. to die.. but nothing works. ive tried to be into “god”.. that didn’t work for me.  tried to join a tech school in Texas but i couldn’t get enough founding for school.. which was 30,200. so here i sit alone every-night stuck in my head wanting it all to end.. maybe someone who wants to die too. nothing is going to change my mind i just want to die. but not strong enough to do it myself anymore.. even when i get my kids for the weekend i think i have to end it when they are not around..  its not just her that makes me want to die.. its my whole life.. i dont want to go on.. im soo bottled up in my head all the time have no one to talk anymore.. im just tired of my life its a waste.. i wasn’t supposed to be here this long..