Suicide? Meh. I toyed around with it. Hesitation and the hope that life would improve as time went on always stopped me, not to mention the utter horror at trying to kill myself and surviving, only making my life worse.
I have tried it all, every good thing, every bad thing. But there’s just nothing.
I am older now than when I began. I have a wife and children. I love them.
So, I live. There’s nothing for me to live for, so I live for them.
But, dear God, I just don’t want to. I don’t want to get up tomorrow. I don’t want to watch the world in it’s spinning maddening dance of hypocrisy and hatred. I don’t want to clean the house.
I don’t want to… live.
Meds? Sure, been on them. Diagnosed bipolar… one of those things nobody understands well. I get a government check to sit home and raise the kids and not bother anyone.
Shrink? Oh sure, but I am now doing too “well” to qualify for the psych I can afford, and the help was just sort of a reminder that someone was keeping an eye on me.
Will I commit suicide? Maybe, probably, possibly. Do I have a plan? lol Of course, but I have so many.
I wish nature or God ro someone would look at me with mercy, though, and just end this. I’m so tired.
Tired of waking up. Tired of trying. Tired of feeling. It sucks, and I don’t want to do it anymore.
4 comments
I feel the same way. I have tried everything to cope and nothing ever takes the pain away.
🙂
I’m sure we’ve all been to a shrink, and had meds. I feel like meds are nothing but sugar pills for me. Doesn’t make a difference. You can’t talk to no one cause they think seeing a shrink will solve all your problems or that taking meds will benefit you. I just feel like some of us are damned to live this life. I’m sure there was a point in time where life was worth living. Fuck the mind, it’s torturous.
I think your premise is flawed.
I don’t think ‘wanting to live’ requires a reason.
I’m about to blow your mind. Ready?
Live to want to live.
Boom.
Or if that wasn’t all that impressive, then you could always adopt my default: “because i’m already here, so might as well…”
If you never “found” … “a reason to want” … to live…
“To find what you haven’t found.”