It’s funny how life itself, all your self created concepts, all that happens around you, all that the sheep follow, slowly cuts into your spine.
Overs the years i’ve come to grow up, i’m only 16, and i feel like all this self created despair is too much for me.
My entire life up until now i’ve been fat, obese as a kid, decreasing as a teenager.
It’s not nice to say the least, when you realise that this little factor, being… fat, conditions your entire life in a chain of events affected by your  mind and society itself.
How? You wonder, it’s simple.
When i was a baby i was the silent type, not a word to be said and food was the only reason for crying.
You’d think that it’d be a good thing right? Wrong.
I transition into my childhood, Â I got fat, I’m oblivious and naive, since I was quiet, I didn’t develop much of a social attitude, as most kids by crying, ranting, making fits.
I kept to myself mostly, I was happy by then, I managed to connect with everybody and make friends by being friendly.
I grew and grew, always aside from the notion of what it is to be outgoing and headstrong.
When I went to high-school, I was still fat, still ugly and still oblivious.
All those around me were different, I was alienated and still, I made friends.
I felt company but loneliness at the same time. Nobody actually got me, I could never express my true self, I lived always with a weight conditioning my behaviour.
I was socially anxious and awkward, but I got around that by simply being jokingly mean, which i found to be a good way to mask my behaviour.
I started being more “myself” even though I didn’t know what I was.
And then it all crashes down, I go from conclusion to conclusion, I’m weak, I’m under the average, I’m slow, I’m unnatractive, I’m different, I’m infirior.
All that is my existence up to this point has been a faded failure, an underlying darkness that only was visible enough to be ignored.
All my acts, all my genetic coding, has been made to fail.
Riddle me this, why should we search for good in the world when the natural order is savage and reckless?
The rules of a jungle apply to a city: If you are weak, you suffer. If you are strong you triumph. No god can save you from that if he built us this way.
While I sit and depress in front of a bright screen, I suffer by my own hand, I write down my flaws and puke all my thoughts into a sea of shit.
While somewhere, someone, sleeps in its bed, no cringing thoughts, no sadness, no headache, no trouble sleeping. His/her mind is clear, it’s ignorant, it has bliss.
These are the kind of moments in which I wish I was mentally retarded. When ignorance is this valuable.
You see the people in the stages singing their mass produced songs swinging a generation into stupidity.
They make millions, they do what they think is in a practical sense: good.
They spread the mass media, they shape the generation, they make the sheep follow and what do you get?
People who only care for the flashing lights and the deafening sound in the clubs and ignore the beatiful nature that is being constantly supressed and demolished.
They throw away philosophy and the mysticity of a peaceful and natural life for the sake of trends coughed up by a system who only seeks to drink your blood. They couldn’t care less, your world as you know it is out to leech your bones dry.
I look around me, I see the people in my rural area, they are false, they are silent, they look and judge. Their minds polluted with behaviours of ignorant ancestors and petty mistrust, greed and intolerance.
I look at my facebook page, I see people posing for pictures I see them writing up ridiculously fake comments filled with pixel hearts.
I see the swaggers, I see the unpopular people trying desperatly to grasp a notion of social status.
I see the alternatives, which is the group i most relate with, even they don’t act like me, they are also outgoing and free.
My body is a cage and so is my mind.
An unreachable epifany is the only key.
I roll up in a fetal position, I fall apart, I poke at any possible attempts to merge with this age.
My actions do not match, I am desync’d, I am fake, my core is no longer recognizable, as I try to grasp any safe way of being I disfigure myself.
I will tell you this, I love a girl, the only girl i’ve ever been crazy over, I inevitably and subconciously change myself to try to catch her attention, we talk, we laugh sometimes.
Whatever image she has of me, It’s not… real.
My real personality has been put into hold for so long for the sake of fitting in that what I have left is nothing.
I am forced to mask my feelings, when chatting online, talking. She likes it, we share songs and gossip.
I am too afraid to show my true feelings to her, I put myself below her.
I force myself to be a dick, a joker, just so she doesn’t perceive that I’m weak, sensible and needy.
When what I really feel for her is long longed love.
As a matter of fact, why do I put myself so below others when I have a drop of hope that I might be “alright”?
The things I demand myself is what keeps me down…
That and the impending sentence to a lifetime of failure.
I’d never thought I’d think of killing myself…
Taking a fatal amount of pills and ending it…
But fear kicks in and i’m afraid of trading suffering for nothingness.
A part of me hopes that this will come to pass…
Is it “teen angst”?
Why have I dug such a big hole with such a small tool?
Nothing makes sense anymore
I am confused, I don’t understand my mind, I don’t understand my body, I don’t understand interaction, I don’t understand a thing.
And while I hide it all away I boast of a confident friendly and funny attitude.
IT’S ALL FAKE, I AM FAKE, NO HUMAN BEING CAN ACHIEVE GREATNESS WHEN CREATIVITY IS BURIED.
I aspire for greatness, I want to share my thoughts with the world in the form of song.
I want to get my revenge on my peers by being sucessful.
But it’s all too unsure… It’s all too foggy, I am too weak to juggle all this trouble.
I just wanted to leave my feelings somewhere, since even my ways of expressing myself in a verbal form fail most times as words fail me in my slow brain I am forced to write it down slowly.
I need to listen to someone, I need feedback, I need the comfort you can give me. I need someone to tell me that “It’s not all bad”, that there’s people out there that feel like me and that the sadness will stop.
I want you to know who I am, if you think what I just described is what someone you know is then tell me… Â I will give you my name, for loneliness is such a way is starting to be unbearable.
3 comments
Fat people and social rejects can be some of the best and most enjoyable people to talk to. It’s mainly because you’re aware of their “insecurities” and they are too, but they also accept that as a part of who they are and they don’t try to hide it. You can also see the years of bullying they’ve been through (which you’re probably going through now), but you can see the undeniable confidence they’ve gained from that.. and that they don’t let anything hinder them anymore. Just truly some of the best people you can talk to.
I was very quiet like you are – just didn’t want attention. But in the present day society, I think that many people find the “quiet” ones very interesting.. and you may find yourself in situations where everyone falls silent when you speak because they’re so attentive and keen to hear what you have to say. Also, you’ll be surprised by how many people are just as insecure and lonely as you.. even people who seem to be at the top of the social game may feel lonelier and more insecure than you..
Just keep being you.. at 16, people can be pretty mean but its not always going to be that way. Big rewards come with big risks, so don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. You’re undoubtedly going to fall many more times, and into darker and deeper holes.. but if you manage to find your way out and keep clinging to the light and keep a joyful personality, you will become a person people will be drawn to and someone to admire.
Just be yourself and if you don’t know who you are then find out by doing different activities or sports.
Alienation forces one to scrutinize things more scrupulously. That’s why people who’s values and beliefs greatly differ from their peers are often themselves different in ways that make necessary their alienation. People who’re given superficial blessings are more inclined to live superficially; people who are not are more inclined to see things more personally.
You can choose to see this as a good thing or a bad thing if you like, but in your case the alienating factors (weight, anxiety, reticence) can likely be changed for the better–all at once as a matter of fact.
You’re still young, and you seem to be intelligence and charismatic. There’s still plenty of time and potential for you to blossom.
With some strength of will I’d wager that you could work towards abating all of your problems in a relatively linear fashion. There are plenty of methods that you could use–for changing yourself anyway–other people are another matter.