Suicide is the Only Thought That Fills Me With Life

I know that such a title sounds like an oxymoron-how could such a morbid thought such as suicide fill me with life?

I guess I should attempt to explain myself.

For many years, I feel as if I have been attempting to live a life that is already dead and gone. Any hope for filling it with hope and vivacity faded away a long time ago. I couldn’t exactly tell you when it happened, because I do not think that it came about in one moment. It arose over a countless stream of disappointments and mishaps in paths that took place over the course of the past decade. Due to a lot of poorly executed decisions and actions, the world just sort of passed me by-and about everyone I ever became acquainted in my life just moved on without me, pursuing their own stories that were so promising and full of potential-while mine remains forever stuck on a blank page. As a result, I have not really accomplished anything in my life. At least, not anything worthwhile in my own eyes.

I just turned 22 years old, yet I already feel as if I have reached the end of my life. I had my chance to prove myself and find my own path, where I could pursue my own pursuit for happiness. Yet I failed. Drastically. And now there is no way I can recover and attempt to rebuild it.

Yes, I went to college. Yes I managed to graduate and receive my diploma. Yes, I managed to escape teenage pregnancy and all the obstacles it can throw one’s way. Yet I still can hardly consider myself an accomplished individual. I am so very very far from it. I am just a failed mishap of a person who stands no chance for retribution.

For one, I never took enough risks. I had the tendency to try to play everything safe, and as a result-I have never truly lived, or accomplish anything grand. I did not really excel in my studies-I just made mediocre marks, and did not graduate with all that much distinction or any honors. Just another student who managed to get everything done on time and became good at doing what other people told her to do.

While I did love my school and the classes that I took, I feel as if they still did not manage to fill me with a higher purpose.

So now, here I am. A recent college graduate. With no where to go next, it seems. I have a degree I have no idea what to do with, with no talent or ambition to motivate or guide me. I have been applying for jobs, yet no one has given me a chance. I just don’t think I have any talent to succeed in this world. All of the few friends I had have moved on with their lives, and I am completely alone now. I work this blue-collar job, with no ultimate motive or purpose in my life. I am severely lacking in funds, don’t really have any fulfilling hobbies, and have a non-existent social life.

I know that to many, I probably seem dramatic and foolish. I can imagine many people thinking: “You are still young. You can still pick up and reassemble your life to carve out a path that better suits your liking. Don’t kill yourself. There’s no point to it. It would just be a waste.”

Let me explain-I have been unhappy for such a long time that I feel that I am forever destined to remain that way, regardless of what I try to change or escape. Sorrow and emptiness is an all too familiar component of my life, that are enmeshed into my being. I was just born to suffer, it seems. I was born to drift around in this world as a lost nomad with no guide, no distinction. No purpose. No meaning. And there is no escaping it. It is a red dye that has already been cast.

When I think of ending my life to escape the pain I feel, it is the only thing that fills me with such a deep sense of happiness, and hope. To go to a place, where I no longer feel, or exist-where I no longer have to feel the weight of my failures and disappointments-where I am forever free from the watching eyes and expectations of others-I am filled with a sense of peace. I feel as if I am being offered the chance to find a real home, and finally reach the highest state of happiness I have ever known. Even if I can’t feel it, or acknowledge it, I can BE it, and that is more than enough for me.

Yes, maybe there are those who I would be leaving behind, but should that really hinder me in pursuing this path? They all know that things in this world come and they go-they live and they one day die. I would be no exception. Eventually, they would move on and the pain would subside.

Maybe I am slipping away from rationality, but ending my life seems to be the only thing that is bringing me hope and energy at this point in time. It is the only thing that seems to bring me happiness, and an ultimate purpose. Who am I to deny myself these luxuries?