Hi, Im Nate. Im recently single and in college. Im 22 years old.
Ive been in therapy since i was 11, heavily medicated and de-motivated. Ive been abused verbally and physically, not sexually. I dont ever seem to think about it though. It never seemed to have affected me as much as more trivial things.Ive had some hard things to deal with but nothing like a lot of things Ive read on here.
I just got out of a 2 1/2 year relationship. It was just another jumbled mess of confusion and misunderstanding, pretty much like every other relationship Ive ever had. She came to me after the break-up saying how she has BPD and transient psychosis,which would explain a lot, we just end up fucking every time i see her. It kinda makes me feel like shit but idk if we ever loved each other anyway. I cant seem to speak to anyone anymore, it always comes out like backwards or mixed up. People always think Im a jerk. I dont really know why because no one ever really talks to me, maybe I just look like a jerk. I have a few good friends but its like i dont know them anymore. Everyone seems to just get further away from me.
It doesnt make sense how I got like this. I just sleep a lot, smoke, take large doses of Xanax and K-pins, drink and look shit up all day. It makes things much worse, obviously. I look into people like Nikola Tesla and read old books about philosophy, physics and other such things, it just makes it even harder to meet people and relate because no one knows what the fuck Im talking about. I always get told Im attractive and Im talented but I can never see it. I dont understand what people mean and theyre often offended when i act surprised or even confused when they say it. Its mostly close friends or my ex that says it so i dont really have a good gauge for that kind of thing. I dont think im attractive and i know im not talented. I think about just leaving a lot but idk where i would go or where Id get the money to do it. I just hate myself so much. As long as I can remember. Its always been like this, just forced or coaxed out over time so it builds and builds on itself, compounding until im fucked up enough to sleep. I catch myself crying while driving without hardly even feeling anything at first with just a huge rush of emotion. Im usually listening to Billie Holiday, Gene Austin or the Ink Spots when it happens. Maybe its just how beautiful their words and voices are to me. I dont really feel much when it comes to myself just dislike and confusion. Its like everything is a dream or its not really happening or that it is but im not present. Its really hard to explain and Its become really hard to function. I wish i had a beautiful girl who could be there for me and make music with me, or just be willing to leave with me and help me figure things out, maybe we could help each other. Ive wanted that for ever which lead me to be a hopeless romantic entering fucked up relationships that probably crushed my view of women and reality. Lol I guess this is starting to sound like a disturbing personals ad but its how i feel.
Someone, please, why is it like this? Why cant people give me a chance? Why do they destroy me when they do? Its not like Im a pushover or stupid. Its not like thats my only issue. Idk please help me. I wish i could express this better, I wish i could think of more things to say. I hope someone can help me learn why i dont feel alive anymore.
9 comments
Maybe you’ve just been meeting the wrong people? That’s what happened to me and I’ve accepted it. Being alone isn’t so bad, considering most people are shit.
I really dont think its that. Ive been having these social problems since i was about 14.
Hey bud,
Look – I could have written this exact post 10 years ago – I was lost and confused [as an athlete at an Ivy League uni]… on the outside, all well – but dying inside – dying in a way that I could never fully describe to the drs. my family, friends, coached… no one got it.
My solution – and it kinda worked till I did find that magical girl 3 years ago… totally blew it up last year (apparently she was cool for the “fun” side of the ups and downs… but not at all cool with the sheer intensity of my personality) – still hanging on by a thin thread lately – was to “get the hell out’ta dodge” for some time. The moment I finished college, I started working abroad – led to living and working 8 countries over 10 years – and visiting 45+ I think as well… a great CV and a whole lot of insight in to who I was. I kept wondering why I didn’t belong and what I could do with looks, personality, charm but zero self-confidence and this level of self-hate that made sick every moment I looked in the mirror (still happens, left often though)… I mean no confidence at all… nothing I would do was ever good enough – it was always like “ok, now what next”. I feel like I challenged myself to the point of absurdity for the sake of challenging myself – marathons, living in squalor/slums/the middle of africa, working in places where I was getting shot at, what a mess – but a fun one! Now there were a few close calls – with bizarre situations (the movies the beach, puncture, flight, among others really hit home). Also, I read a ton about the history of who-knows-what, biographies of great men, philosophy of life, even self help books (that was mostly a waste of time), and I kept living my way.
Now the trick is that ppl like us – the hopeless romantics… who have a potential that we never can quite tap in to (and yeah, I agree that a girl can make it come out in positive and constructive ways – I had it for 2 years and it was pure bliss)… well in my humble opinion, we really need to find someone on par for a crazy-intense relationship (think like crazy/beautiful; true romance – but less happy-ending type stories). In the meantime; because finding the one that is entirely honest, loyal and completely head-over-heels for a disturbed but deep guy; well you have to keep yourself busy with whatever can make you better (more ready for the moment… functional in the mid-term and functional with the ppl, the work/college commitments that you have to do in the meantime) – and ready for when that one walks by or drops a quarter in front of you and serendipity/fate follows.
So – keep the music going, don’t be ashamed of crying (some of us just have chemicals that are not in balance… nothing but genetics), keep the passion in things you find you like, don’t try to hard to “fit in” but rather to make sure you know how to put on a “semi-act” that resembles normalcy to the best degree (this will keep ppl from questioning your value… and even it if feels a bit fake… it will boost your self-esteem a bit), but above all else, try to kick as$ at what you do need to do (work hard in college, become an expert in one of your hobbies/areas of studies, stay fit, try to be healthy… and force yourself to move, interact and take good risks). Whenever “the one” happens to land on you – at it will likely hit you like a brick wall – you want to be damn ready to step up and keep up (rather than have her need to pick you up from the gutter)… so… I suggest finding whatever girls that can “handle your issues” – don’t try to explain it too much to them – they won’t get it… be the best person you can be and have faith (blind faith) that one day… when you are choosing what apples to take in the grocery store… or when you are sitting in the grass reading Nietzsche or the Unified Field Theory, that some crazy-hot, super bizarre, and ultra intelligent and funny girl will walk up and ask you some odd question that will seem to be completely what you had just been wondering about.
Remember… 19/20 girls will think you are weird, your personality is too intense or that you “over-think” things… those aren’t the keepers… they will come and go – but that 1/20 or 1/50 that “gets” you will make all the rejections (and try to not them affect you – like asking for directions… they just roll off your back)… will make it worth that 1/20-1/50… that one, and I can say to date (at 32) that I have met 2 – and been with over 200+ I think ppl in my life (I am not bragging nor suggesting that course, just to show the odds of finding real valuable ones) just that they are damm – damm rare… well it will all make sense at that one moment.
So – keep your chin up, stay healthy and “as positive” as you can and focus on what you like – don’t follow the crowd – fit in but only to the extent that you don’t lose yourself – and take good risks – ask the fitness crazy girl for a coffee – talk to a girl in a library… ask a girl walking down the street for the time… you never ever know how this will start… and the fact that you hate yourself doesn’t at all mean that others think poorly of you and that there isn’t a girl who you walked by 2 days ago that would think you are gawd’s gift to the earth… put yourself out there and see what happens.
You might be surprized. And by all means – don’t call it quits on life – you might miss that magical moment and wow… would you ever regret having made a stupid decision at the age of 22… when you are only 2-5 years away from finding your soul-mate/ other part / whatever, who makes every ounce of self-doubt, confusing and self-loathing disappear in a week… it can happen, in fact, it will happen, and to be perfectly honest, I am jealous that you are 10 years younger… if I could go back and better prepare myself for those 2 moments… the chemistry and the feeling of flying or being 100% comfortable for the first time ever… wow. That is damm awesome. Good luck brother… she is right around the corner… keep reading and keep your chin up. Things can only go up, right?
Haha i hope so. Thanks man.
But the idea i may only have two shots that i very possibly could fuck up in an instant, kinda makes it seem a little , idk, sad? My last girlfriend was like that indie pixie wanna be dream girl type. I thought that was what i wanted. I do hope youre right though.
nah… haha, that is the beauty of the whole thing. the 50 other f’ups will be the ones that dont work. by definition, the 2 that come along (and that is in 10 years…. so maybe 5 in a lifetime)… you can’t mess up cause whatever you do/say/think/dont say/dont do/whatever… is exactly what they will appreciate.
in fact, i was in a grocery store… buying wine glasses on a friday night… when i saw the “one”…. i was buying the wine glasses for a date that very night – the one wasn’t english – but swiss… so i thought quickly what i could say – first, i asked “do you use the point card here”…? really dumb comment… then i handed her a cart – useless also cause there were hundreds for her to grab… then i stood in the aisle for 5 mins trying to get my courage up… walked up to her in the chocolate aisle.. and said “do you want to get a coffee sometime?”… haha, she said “now, I can’t – (remember this was 9pm on a friday night)… ” so I laughed and said “no – I mean sometime, during the day for example, haha”… we swapped numbers and after the first night together 2 weeks later, she woke up to me crying on the edge of the bed at 5am… i was all worried, i said “does this bother you” i will understand if you dont come back – she said “why would that bother me???” as though all was fine. fast forward 2 months and we were living together, 2 years and we were talking about marriage, etc.
you never ever know. that night… and about 500 afterwards make the 5 years before of wandering around, worth it… and the 350 or so after it ended… brutal – and sad as they have been, worth it also…. that was fate… but it was simply because i had been “on top of my sht”, that i took a risk… and that in the previous 2 weeks before meeting her (i was in a new city), i had gone on about 10 horrible dates… and the date i had that night was brutal also… but it didn’t matter cause i had a number that was burning a hole in my pocket.
there is a match for everyone out there. hot or not… funny or not… it will happen and the perfect one might be out taking their dog for a walk as you write this… get up and move around… start looking, and do something, anything – do 25 pushups… write down your 2 year and 5 year personal goals… damm – do something… call the 5 girls who you have been to scared to call and ask them all to go for ice cream (works like a charm), shower, shave, and get a haircut… go in with all the confidence you can muster… smile. listen. laugh. the worse that can happen is that you burn 4$ per girl on a nice ice cream cone… and you get out of your room/off the internet. do it. you are 22 for gawds sakes… it is all just starting… 22-32 will be incredible off the hook. you will experience more in the next 10 years than the rest combined if you are smart about it… look up motivational risk taking quotes… do 10 things that you have never done… sorry, I feel like motivational speaker… here… but man, wake up – this is it. 1 try (most likely)… you are going to waste it wondering why? 1 try… make the best of it.
Why have you refused help so much?
Refused what kind of help?
medical (pharmacological)? therapy (CBT?)? friends/family? exercise/yoga/whatever?
Tried everything – any medication generally takes my “edge” off – ie, I lose the intelligence that I need to be able to perform at a high level.
therapy = 15 years… realized I was just wasting an hour or 2 a week I could have otherwise been working/running/whatever.
friends / family – out of the whole lot of them… 1 guy has similar issues and we speak often. I have 4-5 other “on demand” type friends who take the bad days and generally “help get me back up”.
I would def. go for a small balance of anti-deppressant/anti-anxiety/ some crazy nutrition regime… and that is what I am working on lately… but the 6-12 weeks here and there of uncertainty (tired, wired, dumb, hyper, sick, whatever) gets old quickly especially if you have tried all and respond to nothing – and the unpredictability of the whole medical route sometimes doesn’t work when you are in a 8-8 demanding profession.
I won’t do electroshock therapy, nor take any mood stabilizers… for fear of being a robot (but that is a personal opinion) or just plan stupid for the rest of time.
I was heavily medicated when I met the one… and 2 weeks later I realized that I barely needed anything to do well at work, sleep the whole night, social anxiety was gone, confidence was at an all time high.
I truly believe that 99% of people our there need to be happy on their own before finding happiness in a relationship… but for the 1% – and I guess that I feel as though I am in the 1 or maybe even only .1% that just needs a “partner in crime” – someone who tells me that I am about to make a really stupid decision… or someone who makes sure I am not in a ditch at the end of a big night… and someone who can enjoy sundays mornings along side… it all sounds cliche or even hopelessly romantic… but I have seen/felt it and it is better than in the movies.
Desperate (unique) situations calls for desperate (unique) measures… in other words, being this way calls for a series of creative coping mechanisms/ solutions to “get along” – most of which I described in my first reply… keep doing what you enjoy – keep your eye on the prize (being great at 1-2 things), and wait for fate to take care of the rest.
Oh maybe i misread what you said originally. Ive had the same therapist for over 10 years and even if very little, it helps to have a regular time and place to talk to someone. I kinda lucked out with a good psychologist too.