I don’t really know what to say right now cause I don’t even know how to explain it. Basically I’m just more depressed than I’ve ever been and for the first time I don’t think its a matter of killing myself, but more just I have lost all hope and motivation to do anything. Which is completely not like me AT ALL. I’m in college now and it used to be the most important thing to me, getting my education and now it’s like I care but not enough to try anymore. My car broke down and I quit my job about 2 months ago. So I have no means of transportation and no joke. So I’ve been applying everywhere and had some interview’s and nothing..it’s like nothing is working out for me. Â I can’t drive to apply to place’s I cant even apply to places at home cause my wi fi has been shut off cause I can’t pay for it since I’m not working, its just one big freaking tangled fucked up mess. The thing is to, I’ve always been able to see the better side of things but lately I’m not myself at all, its hard to explain. All I do is sit alone in my room all day, like a pathetic idiot. It’s like I should be doing these things and I’ve been trying but it’s just not working and I’ve given up and lost myself along the way. Also like I’m having MAJOR issues with just some things I’m doing in my life. I don’t hang out with my friends anymore either because I used to smoke weed and drink a lot and I’ve tried really hard and changed my life in that way and now it’s like I have to find all new friends cause all they want to do is drugs and so it’s like in every aspect of my life I’m completely lost. I have no one to hang out with cause my friends are out of control, I have no desire to date and I haven’t even dated in years. It’s like things that I should want to do, I just can’t even get myself too. A lot of the dating things I know why I’m afraid to cause of some serious past fucked up stuff. Just feeling like the point of living is non existent. I don’t know who I am anymore, I’m constantly mad and angry which is not like me at all, I never used to be this way. I am literally afraid to go out and even hang out with people cause I’m just so depressed and angry lately. I can’t even be like civil, it’s sad and not who I am. Something’s wrong with me and I think I am having a nervous break down. So doe’s my family. Just don’t know where my life is going anymore or who I am or how to fix up the pieces that are now gone.
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I’ve had crisis moments like that too…..especially when it comes to friends……I used to have so many “friends”….but really all we would do is just get high and drunk together all the time and even though I thought there was a real friendship there……after i decided to get away from getting hammered all the time…..I still hung out with them but it just became clear how many of them weren’t really my friends anyway (I’m not sure that’s your case, but it definitely was in mine, 10 year friends backstabbing me). I’ve also been prone to periods of isolation in my past before too.
If you need somebody to chat with you can e-mail me at Bravid777@gmail.com if you’d like.
You sound just like me. I also have no friends primarily because they lack integrity are passive aggressive and basically are bullies. I have isolate myself and started reading the bible over a year ago and created my own game of thrones in my head. The best part of it is I discovered that I was living for ‘their assessment of my value’ not my own. What I have found through that path which occurred because I had no car, no job, no food, lived in my car for 6 months and no one would help me no matter how much I asked.
I eventually had to sleep with someone to get out of my car only to move into a box. I could go on and on but my point in picking this book was that 95% of the people out there are f…d up. In pruning my dead tree of people that truly oppressed me with their words or their lack of help and action, helped to minimize my low self esteem. I have a dog and the one friend I thought I had made a horrible comment about my hair the other day knowing I was bullied as a child for my hair. I believe I can’t get a job because I look horrible because of my goat hair.
Staying away from people and talking to yourself and reading about how God forgives you constantly and created us all to be different and unique, has really helped me. It was through the pruning process of my friends that I found what my purpose is. I hope this helps and if you need someone to talk to at anytime if it gets dark, call 408 608 4441, my name is Zsa Zsa.