I’ve been feeling like leaving this planet for years. Suicide was always my only hope – the light at the end of the tunnel. That dream one day it would all be over.
But then I realised I don’t have the guts to go through with it. Living now with no exit route is the most painful existence.
11 comments
I’ve been there before….I’ve tried to commit suicide several times…….not too long ago I lost 3 loved ones within 6 months of each other. Both my adopted mother, my biological mother, and my sister. Everytime I failed even though I should be dead, scientifically speaking. Every time I failed there would be small spurts of hope popping up here and there and eventually I found that life is worth living if you want to devote it to loving others….even if it’s just one animal…..Love really does make it worth it and it’s not easy….but it leads to a rewarding life.
If only I had something to love. I’m a bit terrified of animals, have made it to 33 with no real friends and no family.
I don’t think anything can lift the permanent misery I’ve had for three years now. I think of suicide every minute. Pointless when I can’t go through with it.
If you’d like a friend to talk to you can e-mail me at Bravid777@gmail.com I also have skype but I’d rather not post that on the open internet. I’ve known the depths of despair quite intimately myself, it took me some time to get out of it.
Depends on how you (want/need) to classify ‘love’
Smoochy love
Reciprocated love
Puppy love
Hollywood love
It’s so very ambiguous a word. There is a ‘doing love’ The CH person above hit it a bit
‘devote it to loving others’ By that I can translate as to giving up some of your time (based on how much energy you have) into doing exactly what you are doing here. Listening and responding. Check your local paper for volunteer work maybe? Even that action itself can help.
Anyway it’s that interaction with peeps that helps fracture the patterns of depression. I tried it, in small doses because it will get overwhelming, but I was getting the impression I was helping others and at the same time learning about myself.
People suffering the Black Dog of depression are NOT a dwindling resource Introspective people are normally pretty intelligent. Maybe you could market and franchise something 😉
Take it easy, but take it
Living without an exit route hurts like hell but I believe it is the right way to go about it in the long run if you can. Suicide was and sometimes is my Plan B, for a while it would always be at the back of my mind, you know, like if all else failed i could always just die. I liked that, found it really comforting. But then it got to a stage where suicide was the only plan I could ever see for myself and it was all I could do to refrain from it at times, I just couldn’t stop thinking about it and that scared me. I think it scared me because I didn’t know for sure if I had it in me, and I couldn’t work out if getting over being suicidal was weak or if it was weak to go ahead and do it. I don’t know, it still is hard sometimes not to think that suicide takes guts. It doesn’t, though, that’s something I believe now, I think living with no exit route takes guts, I think living and giving life a chance is scary and can be so so painful but it is so so brave. It may not always seem that way, but killing yourself is probably a lot easier than going on with life, but there is so much more you can get out of life than you can get out of death. If you live there’s so much to learn and do and experience and love and there are all these unimaginable things that can happen, killing yourself may protect you from the pain of life, but it also removes the immeasurable amounts of joy life can bring you. Death may have appeared to be a beautiful release when you used to picture it, but in reality death is nothing. Death is an endless nothing and I get that that may be appealing to you in some ways, but you need to know that the nothing isn’t good enough for you to sacrifice life for, you need to know that your decision to live is the brave one and that everything won’t always feel this way. The way you feel now is not forever and you will be okay. You made a major step when you realised you weren’t going to go through with it and although it may not feel like that now, one day you will be so proud of yourself for not going through with this, you will realise how strong and brave you are and the sadness won’t be what it is now. You are strong and you can get through this and your life can be amazing.
thank-you. but I’ve been feeling this way for 3 years now with no relief. How do I stay on this planet and when will I find pleasure again?
thank-you. but I’ve been feeling this way for 3 years now with no relief. How do I stay on this planet and when will I find pleasure again?
There is absolutely no way of knowing how you’ll get through it and how you’ll find pleasure again. There is no date for when you’ll find pleasure again, I am afraid, everyone is so different. All I can say is that if you keep trying to live in spite of all your sadness, getting past suicide will get easier. And that sounds like I’m not saying much, but I really am. By live I mean that you need to force yourself to do things, you need to treat yourself well, but toughly, firm but fair, you know? Reason with yourself, tell yourself that today you are going to go out and you are going to look around at the things you wouldn’t usually notice about your environment, you are going to sit and eat a meal and think about nothing but the way it tastes until you are finished, you are going to talk to somebody, anyone, about anything, whether it’s about how you feel or about the weather, you are going to paint a fucking smile on your face and you are going to tell yourself that the smile won’t be fake forever, you are going to read books and listen to songs and always be on the hunt for those perfect lines that describe all that you think and all that you feel and inspire you to carry on getting better, you are going to treat yourself with love and with care, telling yourself that it’s okay not to be okay straight away and to congratulate yourself on the daily battles you’ve won, no matter how small. You are going to make a list of everything you would like to do, no matter how big, small, boring or crazy, absolutely everything you’ve ever wanted and you are going to keep adding to that list and you will tick things off that list and it will be the best to do list you’ve ever made. You are going to remember every day that suicide will not solve any of your problems and that you are the solution to your problems, that if what you need is a change of scenery that you can go elsewhere, whether you move forever or just a few days or if it’s just a walk through wherever it is you live. You are going to find a charity you believe in and support it in some way or another without feeling the need to broadcast how charitable you are. You are going to remember that you aren’t trapped, that you can pull yourself out of feeling this way and that suicide will not save you, you will save you. You need to believe in your ability to save yourself and also maybe to accept some help as well from time to time if that works, but more than anything you will learn to be your own hero, best friend and lover. You will treat yourself as you would treat someone you truly cared for and wanted the best for and you will not allow yourself to think things about yourself that you wouldn’t say to anyone you really cared for. You are going to do amazing things and be an amazing person and gradually, without you even realising it, suicide will become less of a frequent thought, it will go from the forefront of your mind to towards the back, to out of your mind apart from those sad times at night, to maybe being an infrequent thought you think about when times are hard, to maybe even one day being a distant memory. One day you will look back on all the beautiful things you’ve done and you will be so pleased you are still here and that you didn’t give in. There is no way of knowing when you’ll feel pleasure again, but you just have to keep acting like that day is tomorrow and that you must keep trying regardless, you will have those moments of clarity when everything feels right and you will quietly grin to yourself and think about how glad you are that you never gave up your life. You can do this.
Thank-you, I’ve no friends and for you to give me that advice is so kind and to be honest, quite helpful too. Especially the bit about it being okay to feel this way but making small progress.
I’m going to try.
Have you tried antidepressants, I’m thinking of trying some too in addition to every single piece of your advice.
Thank-you, its so comforting to have the care of another human being.
I work full time, but if you have time can you keep in touch with me?
I’m really pleased that I was in some way helpful to you, that makes me really happy. I don’t know a lot about antidepressants having never taken them myself, but what I do know is that they tend to be a really good short term solution but maybe not long term, so are best used in addition to other therapies or ways of getting better due to side effects, primarily dependence. It’s important to remember that antidepressants will not solve any of your problems, but they ought to make you cope with them better and make you feel better about them.
I can keep in touch with you, yes, I’m no longer an entirely regular user of this site at the moment so feel free to email me (mymillionthemailaddress@gmail.com) if you want to keep in touch and if you want any more support.