Maybe if I write this out something is going to change… I just want someone to know.
I tried suicide three years ago. Guess that was the most amusing and pathetic suicide attempt in its own history. I survived as you see (sharpen twice next time). After that nothing much changed, No one even knows about it. I kept on existing and ignored my mind by making up beautiful illusions so I could get through the day (it worked well BTW) and I was too scared to try again.
Sadly… Don’t know what happened.
The feeling is back again, stronger than ever, different and now for real. This time I have loved, smiled, lived in complete harmony, understood, gotten and lost everything (still wondering if I may be bipolar). Know I’ll never reach it again and even if so… I’m not ready to lose it again. What’s the point, anyways, if you have no one to share your joy with. I tried to make friends but guess I’m too wierd so my attempts failed.
Came to the point where I don’t want s**t. I know that I can write a bestseller, I can be the next Jimi Hendrix, I can change the whole friggin world …its just that i don’t want to… I don’t want to live, don’t want to be rich, don’t want to create, I don’t want to love. Even the thought of life after death wears me out.
All in all… If I stay I’ll probably turn in to an alcoholic, pill poppin mess.
Already chosen a date, method and place. Wrote a ‘to do list” (half checked already) cant wait… no more sadness, no more getting high so i would forget and fall asleep, no more anxiety, no more disappointed faces, no more lies, no more feeling sorry for myself and the most… no more loneliness… no nothing.
Well… ok, have two weeks left, once in a while there is this thought crossing my mind “what if …?” so i make sure if im really ready for this and search for a sign or a purpose to stay, but as hard i try, i keep on stumbling up on these hints that my time has come… im just a number from the suicide statistics, life pushes me towards death.
If I think once more feels unfair as hell but f**k it… im done.
Im still grateful for everything around me, and i love life, its wonderful… but i cant desire… cant believe. So the only way out is suicide.
This doesn’t make any sense… at least now someone knows.
10 comments
Just remember this:
When you’re feeling low, you loose hope. You forget the good stuff.
When you’re feeling high, you hope. You forget the bad stuff.
2 sides of the same coin.
i feel the exact same way, Willow. WOW
Im not the only one? That’s sad… hope your saviour finds you soon.
I always feel that most suicidal thoughts come up from lethargy and a wish to live and not do anything. What are your thoughts WillowH.? Is it because of all the expectations the world places on us which when we see through the universe’s point of view seem utterly insignificant and pathetic?
What good life would be without doing anything… naa, this is not the case. Before I started to feel like this I had no dreams, everything was possible and i did whatever crossed my mind, had two jobs and i loved it, worked hard on my talents, made sure that my loved ones are okay… and then this. I lost some friends (cant see them anymore)… guess it triggered the past. It just sucked me in, strugled against it for a month, but it just kept on going worse. so here i am.
Thank you for devoting some time to my story, really appreciate it.
Not sad, I kinda find peace in it.. some people are destined to be a statistic, at least I feel that way for myself. Ive never wanted a long life, just a life long enough to enjoy the important things and I, like you, am tired of the constant cycle. Ive seen enough, loved enough, and worked my butt off enough.. simply tired.
you really do feel the same, huh?
well then… Cheers!
Yeah I feel the same exact way. I just don’t care. I would be perfectly content lying in bed all day every day. I don’t want a bunch of money, I don’t want to see the world, I don’t want to be famous, IDGAF about anything other than being left alone. I’m not sad, I just don’t care. Then to live in a society where it’s accepted knowledge that you’ll work til you’re 60 or beyond? HA, yeah right. I’ve been doing this for 10 years and I’m DONE. It’s a shit way to live and no way in hell will I be doing it much longer.
Holly… you got balls. 10 years. WOW.
I keep hoping I’ll find meaning, a purpose, something, anything, but no..