I finally realized TRUE happiness comes from trying to help OTHERS not just yourself.The more I try to help myself the more I fall but the more I help others the more I feel that I AM making a DIFFERENCE.
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i’m not entirely there. i’ve spent most of my adult life helping other people, and wondering where my life went. meanwhile, people keep taking advantage of my generosity, and rarely reciprocate or appear grateful. so *now* i’m trying to focus more on me.
I’m sorry to hear that:(
When I die I want the greatest memories to have been the ones where I’m helping others get stronger and find purpose.
@ embargo maybe you should try helping people who really do need help.
rather than being sorry to hear(read) this:
“…i’ve spent most of my adult life helping other people, and wondering where my life went. meanwhile, people keep taking advantage of my generosity, and rarely reciprocate or appear grateful.”
Let’s be glad to hear(read) this:
“so *now* i’m trying to focus more on me.”
People will almost always take any advantage given. Gotta put #1 first. (zero notwithstanding)
There’s a balance to be had – codependency breeds the mind-frame that giving at the expense of oneself, and one’s own interests, is the only way to do good things for others. The reality is, you can do good for both yourself and others. The black/white distinction between helping me and helping you is a trick of the mind that codependent relationships can create. Whenever there seems to be a binary dilemma in life (in terms of social interaction), it’s almost always a fallacy grounded in experience.
@lorax:
Nice.
Not sure if i was clear, i was more trying to make a perceptual and perspective choice distinction.
Think of your post the other day, in reference to the idea that “i am also them, and they are also me.”
In order to help others, i must help myself. Helping myself /is/ helping others. (in some ways)
You’re right, though, with the false dichotomy. It doesn’t have to be either/or. It’s often possible to help both yourself, and others, and even better help others (and yourself), through helping yourself. Integration of goals is good.
As for balance… if one finds oneself far enough off center, it can take an extreme adjustment to achieve balance. It can be difficult to resist the temptation to “over-correct” in such a situation, and sometimes it might even be the best move to make, even with the multiple post-over-correction corrections. lol. 🙂
But it’s usually best to know your limits, and not overextend.
Yes, I’ve always held that one should only make an effort towards others if it benefits both parties. If you are the person who is always called upon to help a friend, while that friend never responds in kind when you are in need… this would be considered a toxic relationship, and should dissimilate. You can still care about the person, but you have to remember to put your own priorities first.
@clevername: I know – I wasn’t trying to say you were wrong in your comment, more just putting together my own thoughts.. It seems like when you’re in a situation that’s “unbalanced,” socially, and group expectations are out of whack (insinuation being that you are expected to be responsible because others are unwilling or unable to service that position), that over-correction falls in line with binary, black/white thinking which is common in unhealthy social dynamics, and personality disorders at large. It’s easy to shed light on the problem by understanding that love is a choice, and not an obligation or a genetic condition. If others don’t reciprocate that choice in how they act towards you, you are under no obligation to continue making that choice towards them. Weirdly, I think this applies to romantic entanglements, relationships, marriage, and even social work. People today think love is either, A) a fleeting feeling that’s elusive and tricky to pin down (hormonal/oxytocin elevation being mistaken for “love”), or an obligatory condition a lot like servitude. Both of those thoughts are wrong and can only ever lead to screwed up scenarios.
@lorax:
Cool. I figured that was most likely, but wasn’t sure (which is why i said “not sure if”).
I was basically saying that sometimes you come to realize that you are far off-center, and sometimes the dilemma can be rather binary, due to the situation already having developed into imbalance. If i find myself in a situation where i have to avoid helping others, in order to prevent myself from sacrificing unnecessarily, then there is a tendency to “yank the wheel.” I wouldn’t want to continue down a path of self-sacrifice for others who won’t help me, especially if i felt exploited. But other times, i would be very careful to gradually veer back toward my center, rather than being reckless. It just depends on the scenario.
I meant the over-correction to represent a scenario where you realize you’ve been caught in a one-sided and non-personally beneficial situation, and need to get out of it quickly, like a band-aid. However, the “over” correction would be unintentional. Sometimes it takes an extreme and precise correction to get back to center in but a single maneuver… and this can be difficult to pull off.
So i suppose it comes down to “fight fire with fire,” if you get stuck on the wrong side of such a scenario. Gentle might not be enough to correct the problem, and extreme could send you flying the other direction, and the perfect maneuver to return to center might just require more precision than one can manifest.
It’s also good to consider rules for navigation from the correct center, so as to best maintain one’s course, once it is stabilized.
Staying out of problems is just as important, perhaps even more important, than getting out of them. Prevention eliminates need for solution, and allows energy to be focused into being prepared to solve or manage what cannot be prevented or avoided.
i need scar revision surgery can anyone help me with that ?
.i am poor and live in a poor poor state.
I wish I could but I don’t have any money):