He did it

I remember him. According to his story, which you are now confirming… what is anyone supposed to say? He wanted to do it in front of you. I suppose you could try to find some little solace in the fact that he apparently didn’t do that.

His accounts of your behavior, and even your own statement above, shows that people often keep pushing when they know they shouldn’t, because they think they can get away with it, and that there will be no significant consequences.

But really, what did you expect to happen? Did you think he’d just mope around and fade away in sadness, because of the harsh realities that came to afflict him, which were not his choice, and were beyond his control?

From what i could interpret, he really did care about you, and he thought you knew that he did, and he said that you admitted that you didn’t love him, but stayed with him because he was a good provider.

I can’t say whether or not he would want you to want to “follow him,” but i’m sure he would be pleased to know that you feel anguish and shame for the way you allegedly treated him.

The fact of the matter is that he was terminally ill and was suffering, perhaps mostly internally, emotionally… and though many things are not, and cannot be “your fault,” you certainly did contribute to his decision.

Ultimately, his decision was his own, not yours… but at least now you know at least some of the consequences of your actions, which you did not expect to incur.

I think if you break it down and simplify it, i think all he really wanted was for you to care… enough to not put him through what you did.

I can say from personal experience, it’s quite upsetting and disturbing to discover that someone you wanted to care deeply for you, was actually just pretending to be what they thought you wanted, so that they could maintain access to the resources you provide.

I’ve never been good at explaining /why/ we all need to learn to be considerate of others, and strive to avoid causing each other unnecessarily elevated problems.

You have to learn to care about how, what you do, affects others.

You are not required to say anything to us. There is no “universal rule” that obligates you to refrain from actions that will hurt others. It’s a choice you have to make, based on valuing the suffering of others enough to think it’s important to try to avoid causing more than is necessary. Some suffering cannot be avoided… but the world would be a better place if everyone tried not to make it worse for anyone else.

I suppose he probably felt like you were not trying not to make it worse for him… and it became bad enough, for him, that he just couldn’t take any more.

His choice was his. Your choices are yours.

I do remember him saying something about not wanting to leave you stuck with no place to stay. Even after all of your choices that he endured, he still cared. You have to care about someone, to want them to learn from pain. You didn’t learn from his pain. Maybe you’ll learn from yours.

And maybe you really will end up being “better off” without him.