Still doing crap. Wishing for death. In fact just this morning while on the way to work I quietly asked god to take me. Felt like rubbish all day and then it felt like I was having a heart attack. For real. I started to panic. I realised maybe god heard me. Then I didnt want to go. I wanted to say goodbye one more time to my kids. Even my wife and I who were fighting even this morning I didnt want our last words to be hate filled. My mother and I are on bad terms. I suddenly realised although I cant bear the crap that is my life I have too much left to live for, even if for others. Cant let my kids grow up without Dad, they are so young they wouldnt even remember me later in life.
I’m still lost, still ‘hurting’ in the sense that I have no emotions or desire to do anything, and still want to drift off to permanent sleep. But it cant happen now, not for many years to come. Maybe today was a wakeup call? Who knows. I’m far from a hypochondriac but even I was debating whether or not to call an ambulance this afternoon. (I’m glad I didnt because obviously I’m still here and the bill wouldnt be nice)
1 comment
Hey,
I think all of us here want to go away and well at least I think of dyiing at least once day even if it was actually a pretty good day. And the thing is that we just need to think “oh shut up you” to ourselves and keep on going.
I think you should try to find new working place maybe? You don’t have to stand the crappy people in there if you don’t want to.
I think your children would remember you. No matter how small sometimes we often remember the big changes. And you have lots lots lots of things to live for!