So I was in my orchestra class yesterday. I was talking to my friend. And I pretended to shoot myself. He grabbed my “gun” and said playfully that he would never let that happen. This kid that I’ve had a crush on since the first day of Freshman year turns around and looks at me, then looks at my friend, and says, “She wants to kill herself?” and kind of gives me this look like he might know what’s up (which he probably wouldn’t).
I’m just sitting there like, ‘shut! up! shut! up! shutupshutupshutup!!!!!!!’
And I wanted to scream ‘YES I’M FUCKING SUICIDAL!!!’
…
So I just kind of sat there and stared.
And I just wanted to go die.
I’m not really sure how to feel about this. I’m not sure if I should be angry with myself for letting the message slip out so easily, or happy that the guy actually acknowledged my presence.
ugh.