i’m done. I’m so far gone. i love him more than anything on this earth, i care about him more than anything. and he can’t see that he is actually killing me. i hate myself. when am i ever able to redeem myself? when am i ever able to get anything positive in return? i dedicate every second of the day to him. how can someone want to be so mean ALL the time. FOREVER. please, he has to step back and see my dedication. he has to step back and see im a human. please. im done. so i’m going to try my best not to cause fights. but i am going to try hard now to focus on myself and make sure that i am not going to die and that i am going to be successful and accomplish what i need to accomplish. i cant do this anymore. i cant. it’s going to kill me. it is killing me. my number one fear is death, but at the same time, I’m conflicted because how can i want to live like this? how can i want to live when it is impossible to rebuild, to redeem, to be given respect, to have all the love and care reciprocated, to have him here for me, to have all of this when i know i am all his and my life is dedicated to him. it doesn’t matter whether i’m awake or asleep, it is one big nightmare all the time. it’s as if the more hurt i am, or the more he hurts me, the angrier he gets at me, and does not care. sometimes i wonder if he knew he was successful in making me legitimately ill if he’d be happy? like he’d feel accomplished? but then i try to snap myself out of it, because i know how much i care about him. idk. i started off the conversation legitimately hurt, and many other times, i am legitimately hurt over one thing or another. it is never okay. there is never legitimacy. he more it hurts, the more he hurts me, the angrier he gets at me, the more he blames me. in my health class, my professor explained how stress can be one of the biggest factors into inducing a heart attack or heart problems of that nature. the other night what happened in the middle of the night scared the crap out of me. waking up in the middle of the night i completely couldn’t breathe, and my heart was beating so hard and fast it was if i just ran a mile. my head hurt to the point where i was so nauseous i thought i would throw up. i thought i was having a heart attack. i am thin and young, doesn’t make sense from that stand point. my cholesterol is low. doesn’t make sense. i’m scared im going to die. im scared he’s actually killing me. i love him more than anything and i miss him so much. but i cant handle this. my heart is broken. i dont know what to do. it’s not right anymore. it’s not okay to be punished forever. it would be a different story if i didn’t love him and care about him so much and do everything i possibly can for him. but i do. i love him so much. i just want him to know that. i am fading away. i can’t talk to him. i cant be upset. i cant do anything. all i can do is either be his ‘slave’ or leave him. i do’t want to do either. i want a balance. i want him to show me love back. i want him to recognize i dedicate myself fully to him. i think im going to sleep now and all day tomorrow. i have so much work i need to get done. it is impossible.