he can hate me for the past, even though i dont want him to hate me. but he cant hate me for the present. it’s not fair. he hates me. and all i want is to kill myself. I’m doing the right things now. ive been doing the right things. and it doesn’t matter. he is upset so he is ignoring the facts. he wont believe me even though im telling the truth. i dont know what to do. all i want to do is die. i know i ruined everything. i know why he cant believe me. but that doesn’t help anything. what im saying is true and he wont believe me because of the past and because he is upset. and now it’s even crazier because he wont listen to me. what happened made sense. it doesn’t make anything ok. but it made sense. i hate my life. i want to die. i dont want to live with him hating me. especially when ive been trying to make it right. i dont know what to do. my life is meaningless because i cant get anything from trying to make things right. my life is utter shit. and it looks like it always will be if i stay living. i am going to go everyday in a life that is utter shit. it made sense what happened. i was disgusting for so many reasons. i was naive and stupid. and what happened made sense. but he is ignoring all that because he is angry and i hurt him. i dont want this life. i dont want the only person i care about to hate me. and i wish he would see that i am doing right and i would get something for it. but he cant see it. and it’s my fault. i want to die.