it seems no matter what i do, it doesn’t matter. i guess i have to understand that. i have decided to stop lying a while ago, for many reasons. it’s wrong and because it has only ruined my life. i dont lie anymore. i try my hardest to do everything right and i also do that because i care. i care more about him it seems than i care about myself. and that’s not good. i love him more than my own life. thats not good. i have no meaning. whether i live or die, i still refuse to go backwards. i refuse to be naive, to be a liar, to be a cheater, to be easy, to be disgusting, or to hurt anyone. i love him so much. but i cant live like this anymore.